It has been awhile

Hello all; it has been entirely too long since I've posted on my blog!! Needless to say with the holidays and all of the activities that come with; we have been extremely busy!  Let's see.....what have we been up to?  Thanksgiving was fun; since we decided to stay here in Phoenix; we spent our thanksgiving with some special friends who were kind enough to open their home to us.  Between various Christmas parties and activities, December just seemed to fly by.  We tried something new this year and took Mady up to the Flagstaff area for the polar express train ride.  Needless to say; it was much colder than the valley and we got caught in a. Snow storm on our way home; but we had a blast!! My first experience with mountain driving in snow;-). 

I have to say; this Christmas was a lot harder on me than expected regarding missing Ava.  I have definitely learned that healing takes a lot of time and you just can't put a limit on the time it takes.  I am just taking it day by day and counting my blessings as I go.  We were lucky enough to have my parents fly out and spend Christmas week with us.  We had a wonderful time as usual and it is always hard to see them go.  I have also made a new resolution for myself this year: no more Facebook.  I have taken a break for about a month and it was really nice.  I haven't decided yet if I will delete my account yet.  Just FYI, if you message me on Facebook and I don't reply....it's because I don't get on anymore.  I will still be blogging so I will update pictures and such on here:-). Or you can always call/text or email me!!:-). I hope everyone is happy and healthy and I wish you all a wonderful and safe 2014!!  

Hillsong United - You Hold Me Now (Lyrics)

http://www.youtube.com/v/LX12vnPX60s?autohide=1&version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=BJ5j3yz63WBojyqsS7lSFQ&feature=share

There's a better place

http://www.youtube.com/v/Qx2-Inc8TkA?autohide=1&version=3&autohide=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=5HY-bpK8CRzVyM51RA8PWQ&feature=share&showinfo=1

"Hold me Now" is a song that we sing quite a bit in church and we sang it again today.  It has always been so powerful to me in that it essentially describes exactly what I am feeling in my life right now.  There is still a lot of sadness that surrounds me from losing Ava and I miss her more everyday; I guess there will always be this empty feeling when it comes to our loss.  I remember the first time that I heard this song, it was not long after we had lost sweet Ava and I was still in the midst of heaving grieving.  I remember just standing there listening to the song and I couldn't even sing along because I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness.  I listened to the words and before I knew it I had streams of tears running down my face and I was crying out of control.  I wanted God to hold me right then because I felt so horrible and empty and wanted my baby girl with me.  I know he was there with me because I had a sense of hope that even though what we go through on this earth may be horrible and painful, we have something so much better awaiting for us in Heaven.  I realized that my baby girl is already up there in the best place ever with no pain and so much happiness and healing. She will never know disappointment, pain, sickness, etc.  She is beautiful, whole, and so happy.   I was crying out of sadness and joy at the same time; I know that seems incredibly strange but that is how I felt at the time.  I had to be willing to give up my Ava to Jesus and let go because he is in ultimate control.  That is the hardest thing for a mother/father to have to do, and then I think of how God sent his son Jesus to die a horrendous death on the cross for OUR sins when he was perfect.  God had to sacrifice his son and so I was chosen for whatever reason to lose my baby girl.

I have been dealing with a lot of guilt since Ava's passing.  Even though I know everything was completely out of my control, I still can't help but feel a sense of guilt of they didn't God take me instead of Ava.  I have lived a good life and she had her whole life ahead of her.  I would have gladly given my life for hers; but for some reason (God knows better than we do) he wasn't finished with me here.  We have Ava's nursery closed most of the time unless I am airing it out for some reason.  It is still really hard for me to go in there and look at her things; we don't want to get rid of anything yet until we know if we will have another baby.  The other day I noticed that the door was cracked so I asked Mady if she had been playing in Ava's room (sometimes she does).  She answered "mommy, I was in Ava's room praying for Ava, you, and Daddy".  I told her that it was really sweet of her but I wondered what she was praying for.  "I prayed for you to not be sad and cry anymore mommy and I prayed for Ava that she wouldn't cry anymore because she misses us".  She said, "Ava gets sad when you cry mommy, she loves you and doesn't want you to be sad for her anymore".  My heart about dropped when she told me this; what amazing words those were that came from my daughter.  Somehow God is working through Mady to help me heal from this and he is working through my sweet Ava as well.  Mady went on to tell me that she goes in there quite often to get down on her knees to pray for all of us; I am so incredibly proud of my precious daughter.  She has the sweetest soul of anyone that I know, with the biggest loving heart.  I am so blessed to be her mommy and I am certain that Ava would have been very similar.  My longing to hold her is so strong some days; it is a pain like no other.  I just have to pray to God to help ease the pain for me.  He always blesses me in some other positive way when I am feeling that way though; he is always there.

I am extremely thankful for my beautiful family; I have been blessed with two beautiful, special daughters.  I don't know what God has in store for our family but I am hopeful and I know whatever it is it will be great.  I am so grateful for the hope that we have in Christ that our pain and suffering here on this earth are only for a moment; there is something so much greater waiting for us after this life is over.

Mady's drawings

Mady loves to draw; she literally draws/colors all of the time.  Lately she has been drawing us as a family with little Ava watching over us.  This picture is me, john, Mady and little Ava standing above my head;-). She said that Jesus and God are above us in the picture because they are always watching over us.  I am so humbled with my little girls faith and how innocent she is in her thoughts.  I adore her "child like" faith; which we all should have more of.  We talk about Ava everyday and miss her sooooo much.  There are days where Mady and I just sit together and cry because we wish that Ava was here with us.  But in my heart I know she is with us; I know this sounds strange but at times I see little Ava in her big sister.  They looked so much alike.  We talk about how wonderful it will be to see Ava again in heaven; Mady said to me "mommy, after you and daddy get to hold Ava, I want to hold my baby sister."  I thank God everyday for my little Mady who is my perfect companion right now, we are so incredibly close and I can only hope that we stay that way in the years to come.  

Another school year.....here we go!!

Well, it is that time of the year again and this year it came so very fast.  In our family's case, it is great because Mady absolutely loves school and would probably pitch a tent and live there if she could, well not really...but maybe;)  I haven't been blogging as regularly as I was back in the spring; but boy have I missed.  In all honesty, we have had a very busy summer with travels, activities, and such so there really has not been a lot of free time for me to sit down and make a post.

Mady starts her first day of Pre-K tomorrow and I totally have mixed emotions about that.  I am thrilled that she is growing into her own little person, but sometimes I just wish that things would slow down just a bit and that they could be our babies for a little longer;)  She always makes a point of telling me that "Mommy, I'm not a baby anymore, I'm a big girl"!! She really is growing up so fast and making us very proud of the little girl that she is becoming.  Not that it doesn't come with struggles because it absolutely does! ha! We are working on some things with her right now and I will just say that by the end of a very long week, I am frazzled to say the least! haha!  I thank God for my Madelyn though, she is truly my little mini-mi which is why we tend to clash sometimes...we are too much alike:)

So, how are we doing as a family?  We are doing ok....not great, not bad....just ok.  we are totally depending on God to strengthen us through all of these trials and I trust that he will in his own time.  This time of the year is a little hard for me right now just remembering that we were newly pregnant with Ava this week last year and didn't even know it yet.  I had an idea, but wasn't 100% sure.  Mady has been telling me things lately that really make me wonder how much that she sees of little Ava.  She tells me that Ava visits her at night in her room and tells Mady that she is being a big girl because she is sleeping in her own bed.  we have been having problems with Mady sleeping lately.  I asked Mady what Ava looked like and she responded that she was a baby with wings and she was white and glowing.  I asked Mady if Ava was happy and Mady replied "yes mommy, Ava loves being with Jesus", he is my friend too." "He also loves you and daddy too". That brought me to tears.  How do I not believe my child on this matter?  These little conversations that Mady and I have really have helped me deal so much better with everything.  I truly believe that Ava is and always will be Mady's guardian angel watching over her and that brings me tears of happiness.  Oh what I wouldn't give to get one glimpse of how beautiful my little Angel Ava is up in heaven.  I'm sure she is breathtaking.

Some days are still really hard, but they are few and far between.  God is really helping us walk through this daunting road right now.  We are really just trying to be close as a family and grow closer to God through this.  We have been talking about possibly having another baby or maybe even adoption.  We are just in the process of talking so no decisions have been made yet but we are really leaning on God for this.  We definitely want another child, it is just a matter if God wants us to have one or not.  We will wait and trust.....I am also toying with the idea of writing a book about my experience with losing Ava and everything that I/my family went through.  I also want to possibly get back into counseling of a different kind; I want to help families who have lost babies the same way we did or people dealing with any kind of infant loss whether that be stillbirth, miscarriage, etc.  I feel very passionately about helping others get through this horrible time especially since I have been through the same thing.  So, I have some things that I would really like to start doing soon but i will need some serious prayers and encouragement.  Thank you all who read this and for your continued prayer and support, it is greatly appreciated.  God Bless you all!! Much love to everyone

Heaven is for real

One of the books that I have read lately is Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo.  If you haven't read it, it is basically about a little boy who tells his story of visiting heaven when he was sick and close to death.  It has been such a comfort to me and just reaffirms everything that I have always believed heaven to be.  They also have a children's version with beautiful illustrations which Mady has really enjoyed as well.  This has been a subject that has come up numerous times with her lately; she always asks about where Ava is and why she can't be home here with us.  When I read this book to her and talk about how Ava is in heaven with Jesus and that he is taking such good care of her, I can see that she is somewhat relieved and feels better.  I think that this is such a great book for anyone to read, even if you have never gone through a loss.  I can honestly say that before everything happened with Ava, I never really thought about heaven too much.  I mean, I have always believed that there is a heaven and that it is a wonderful place, but I never thought much beyond that. I find myself thinking about it often now; knowing my little girl is up there is such a blessing to me.  Knowing that we will all be reunited with her and other loved ones one day is something that brings me so much happiness.

We are all doing pretty well these days; there are ups and downs obviously and some days are much harder than others...but overall we are doing good.  Someone told me back when we first lost Ava that you never get over losing a child and the pain never gets easier, but you just learn better coping strategies to get through.  That is so true; the pain is just as real as it was the day we lost her, but I am dealing with it so much better.  Not saying that I'm perfect by any means and I still have days where I struggle, but as soon as I pray and talk to God I feel so much better.  Something that has really helped me deal with this grief is being completely honest when talking with God.  Why not be honest with him? He knows exactly how we are feeling anyway.  When I am angry and questioning God, I tell him; when I don't understand why he took Ava from us, I ask him why!  I figure if anyone can handle it, God can.  I can tell you that I always feel his peace after I do this and I know that he is right there beside me helping me to cope with this.  I used to think that when praying/talking to God you had to always say the right words and  have positive thoughts.  I honestly think that God wants us to talk to him like a good friend; to be completely honest whether its good or bad.  I know this sounds strange, but even on my worst days when i feel like life could not be any harder; I know God is there because when I slow down I can feel a calming presence with me.  Over these past two months, i have often wondered if God was even there anymore because of how bad some days felt.  I have no doubt that he is right here with us carrying us through this storm and making us stronger all the while.  We have an awesome God and he has wonderful ways of taking tragic situations and turning them into something beautiful.  I cannot wait to see what good will come from our tragedy, other than getting to witness a true angel in our daughter Ava.  I miss you more everyday baby girl, but I know that you are in good hands.

D day

Tomorrow was supposed to be our scheduled c section for baby Ava. So many emotions are surrounding me right now. I keep looking at my empty bag that I should have been packing tonight for tomorrow. This would have been such an exciting night in our house; knowing that we would finally meet our baby girl and bring her home. I just keep staring at her pictures tonight and can't help but feel broken. Thank you for your continued prayers for us.

Jesus' phone number

An actual conversation with Mady. "Mommy, I need Jesus' phone number because I need to speak with him"! Me: "why do you need to speak with Jesus Mady?" "Well I want to ask him if Ava can come down from heaven and play with me." Oh, the innocence of a child. How I wish that Mady could have her little sister here right now. I always imagined she and Mady being so close and lifelong companions. It breaks my heart that this will never happen.

I picked the name Ava because of how seemingly uncommon it was. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen/heard that name since we lost her. I was at the grocery store this morning and kept running into a lady with her young daughter. She kept yelling her name "Ava" over and over. She had blonde hair and blue eyes; I couldn't help but imagine that my Ava would have favored her. I miss my baby girl and feel so empty without her. Every time I see a baby; it is like a sharp knife. Ava's nursery is still untouched; I can't seem to gather the courage to even go in there. Even though it has almost been 2 months, it still feels so raw and painful.

It actually helps to talk about her; I guess it is therapeutic for me. I always want to remember how beautiful she was and how wonderful it was to hold her even though she was no longer with us. I think a lot of people are afraid to bring her name up because they think it is too painful. I all honesty, I love when people ask about her, it makes me feel like she is remembered and honored. Please keep us in your prayers, we are doing better but still have really hard days. It is something I will never "get over" but learn ways to accept/deal with more everyday.

In my selfishness, I want her with us here. I have to continually remind myself that she was always one of God's angels and he needed her with him. I can't even begin to imagine how beautiful she is in heaven right now dancing with all of the other angels.

Fun weekend

What a fun weekend!  My best friend Penny was able to come visit over the weekend and we had so much fun.  You know those friends that are more like family and make you feel better just by being there?  Penny and I have been through so much together so she knows me better than most.  Hanging out with her this past weekend brought back so many good memories and at the same time helped distract me from the pain that I have been going through lately.  I really needed this time; it was such a blessing.  Mady really enjoyed our girl time as well; she enjoyed Penny's creativity and art projects because lets face it....creativity is not my speciality.  Thank you so much for coming out here to visit us; love you girl!!

I have been doing a little better each day.  It is a slow process and I miss Ava so much but we have a lot of activities coming up so staying busy will definitely help me.  Mady is coming up toward the end of her school year so there are lots of events with that coming up.  John and I are going on a little getaway on the first weekend of May to Sedona, AZ ; John's parents will be coming out to stay with Mady while we are gone; so I'm sure that she will have a blast with them.  Adam (John's youngest brother) and Erika's wedding is at the end of May in Chicago, so we are going up for that and making it a little vacation for us.  Mady will be going to summer school the whole month of June, and then in July Mady and I will travel to Texarkana to visit my parents for a few weeks.  We are also trying to plan a trip to Disneyland for the end of July before Mady goes back to school on Aug 5.  Needless to say, the summer will be busy but in a good way.

I have been reading a new devotional book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  I just wanted to share the devotion from about a week ago that I felt I could relate to.

Trust me, and don't be afraid.  Many things feel out of control.  Your routines are not running smoothly.  You tend to feel more secure when your life is predictable. Let me lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances.  Take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely secure.

When you are shaken out of your comfortable routines, grip My hand tightly and look for growth opportunities.  Instead of bemoaning the loss of your comfort, accept the challenge of something new, I lead you on from glory to glory, making you fit for My kingdom.  Say yes to the ways I work in your life.  Trust Me, and don't be afraid.   - Isaiah 12:2, Psalm 61:2-4, 2 Corinthians 3:18.

When I read this, I couldn't help but think of how I have felt lately.  Everything about our situation has been uncomfortable and doesn't make any sense to us.  As hard as it is, i have to trust that God is growing me and that there is a much bigger plan in store.  Someone once told me that the times that you don't feel God's presence and you feel you are at your worst; he is working extra hard on your situation and carrying you even closer than he usually does.  There have been days where I felt that I couldn't get up and go, but I pushed through.  That was God pushing me through, not me.  I am strong because God is strong.  My strength is not my own; I believe this to be absolutely true.

God, where are you?

This past week, I have been asking this question many times.  As much as I would like to say the week has been good and that everyday gets better; that is just not the case.  I am really having to dig deep to find strength to keep going and this week has been tough.  Some days, it literally hits me like a ton of bricks and my mind can't seem to stop re-playing everything that happened.  To be completely honest, this week has been a lot of sadness and madness for me.  We received a package in the mail from the hospital where Ava was born that had diapers, wipes, etc. It was basically a newborn kit that you get before you leave the hospital. It was a sickening reminder of what had happened..... like a kick in the gut to me. I kept thinking "God, where are you?"  I had my six week post-partum check up on Wednesday and the nurse obviously didn't know the situation at all (no big deal) but she just kept asking how my baby was doing and  how I was doing with taking care of two kids now.  I had to tell her what had happened and it felt so horrible; her face just completely dropped and she kept apologizing.  Another kick to the gut.  I saw a different doctor than I normally do, but he knew the whole situation.  He told me that in all of his years of practice (twenty something), he had only seen my incident happen twice.  "Why God, why did this horrific, freaky accident happen to ME?"  "Where are you!!"

I feel like I have done pretty well until this past week; I guess everyone has to have a breakthrough in their grieving. As a mother, the guilt kills me...I was supposed to be able to protect my baby.  My doctor mentioned that usually babies are very protected while in the womb.  I took such a horrible fall that my body couldn't handle it.  As a counselor, I know that blaming yourself is not the answer and that there was nothing that I could do...but as a mother, I can't help feeling as if I failed her.  I am definitely working on this and with time, I know that things will get much better.  I can already tell that I am getting stronger through this; even though there are some really trying times.  I have accepted that the ups and downs are just a part of grieving and it will be this way for a while.  I have really tried to focus my thoughts on the things that God has blessed me with instead of what I don't have.  One of those things is my other beautiful daughter Mady; she is such a little ray of sunshine and always makes me smile.  As much as I long to have Ava here and always will; I am honestly grateful for the little family that I do have.  I have a wonderful husband and sweet little girl that is such a blessing.  One verse that has been a comfort to me this week is Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:9

I know that many of you are still praying for us and I can't tell you how much it is welcomed and appreciated;   I truly believe in the power of prayer.  I can tell you that without God right now, I would not be coping with this at all.  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  Psalm 34:18.  

On a more positive note, I created a new blog design this week and love it!! I pray that all of you who read this are well and blessed.  Until next time.....

My big girl

Someone had to get her teeth cleaned today; such a sweet girl.

A letter to Ava from Mommy

I have been wanting to write my sweet girl a letter for the past few weeks, but somehow could never find the right words to do so.  Today felt like the right time.......

"love knows not its own depth until the time of separation" - author unknown

"some people believe in angels, I held on in my arms"

Ava, my beautiful daughter,

This is so hard for me to say the right words that can adequately describe just how amazing you are and how much I love you.  I know that you already know every word that I will write down before I do; but I still want to do this.  Going back to September 1st 2012 when we first found out that we were expecting you, we were absolutely shocked to say the least.  Daddy had just returned from a 7 month deployment a few months earlier and we were very unsure of where we or he would be going next.  So needless to say, I was a bit nervous but I knew we could handle it and that you would bring us so much joy.  The first few months of the pregnancy were kind of a blur because I was so extremely sick; I was definitely ready for that part of the pregnancy to be over.  The only thing that kept me going through all of that sickness was hearing your tiny but very strong heartbeat every time I visited the doctor.  The bigger you grew inside of me, I knew that you would be strong and you were.  We found out in October that we would be moving to Phoenix, AZ for our next assignment so we were very happy; however we were moving the first week of December....yikes!  I remember right around the time that we were moving; I was starting to really feel you move inside of me.  Through all of the stress, tiredness, and sickness...that was such a glimmer of hope knowing that we had a strong, healthy baby inside and you were growing.  We made the long drive to Phoenix stopping at Mimi and Papa's (my parents) house along the way to celebrate Christmas early.  You were with us the whole time, so you were definitely a well traveled baby before you were even born.  As soon as we got out here to Phoenix we had our 2nd trimester ultrasound to find out the sex and make sure that you were ok and healthy.  You were PERFECT, everything about you was 100% perfect and you were a GIRL!!  I , knew it the whole time and I couldn't have been more excited about another beautiful little girl.  I remember feeling so blessed that we had such a healthy baby and feeling extremely relieved when we left the dr. office that everything was perfect with you.  You were so beautiful even then and I couldn't wait to have you here in my arms.  You continued to grow right on schedule and boy were you active.  I would just sit and watch you kicking me from the outside; you were even more active than your big sister Mady.  I just knew that you would be a soccer player.  You loved Einstein bagels, chipotle burritos, and taco bell! Whenever I would eat certain things, you would go crazy in my belly. 

Ava, I cannot describe how much I want you here right now and how much your daddy, Mady and I miss you.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about your first smile, your first steps, and your first words.  I had so many plans for you and I am reminded of them daily and how they are not going to happen.  I was thrilled to be having a baby in the house again, since mady is growing up so fast.  I looked forward to waking up feeding you and seeing your beautiful eyes and smile and forgetting about how tired I was.  I looked forward to seeing how Mady took you under her wing and taught you things that daddy and I couldn't.  Mady would have been such a great big sister to you Ava; she loved you so very much even before you were born.  She still talks about you everyday and how she wants you to come play with her so she can teach you:)  She asks me every single day if she can kiss your memorial box so I let her.  It just feels so empty without you here baby girl; you would have completed our family. 

No one can know how much I love you, because you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like beating from the inside. 

"As you danced in the light with joy, love lifted you.  As you brushed against this world so gently, you lifted us." - TC Ring

"An angel, in the book of life, wrote down my baby's birth.  Then wispered as he closed the book, too beautiful for Earth."

Ava, you have made such an impact on not only your daddy and I but so many other people.  Through your short life, you were an incredible witness of God's power and love. The nurses/doctors at the hospital where you were born talked about you for days and were so shaken by the situation and are probably still talking about it; they saw an angel.   You are so special and I truly believe that because of you the world will be forever changed.  As a mother, it is so hard to not have you in my arms so I can love on you and take care of you. Leaving you at the hospital when daddy and I went home was one of the most heart breaking things I have ever had to do.  I wanted to just run back in and grab you and sneak you home with us. It took every bit of courage I had to not run back in there and stay with you until the funeral home picked you up.  I even wanted to go to the funeral home and sit with you because that is just what a mother does; I didn't want you to be alone. I found myself waking up every night in a panic thinking about you being all alone without us.  It was too much to bear and no mother should ever have to.  Even though I knew that you were no longer in your earthly body; I still didn't want you to be cold and all alone.  You never know how protective you can be until you have children.  I know that you are in heaven and Jesus is taking good care of you and most of all you are whole and happy.  That brings me peace, knowing that you are safe in Jesus's arms and you are happy and carefree.  You have made me a much stronger person Ava and I will always be in gratitude to you for that.  You have opened my eyes to what is really important in life.  It is not easy and I still have very rough days where I just cry because I miss you so much; but I know that you and God are walking with us every step of the way.  I know that heaven was a very happy place on March 4th; everyone there is so very lucky to be in your presence. Even though we are still on earth, I know that one day we will be reunited with you and that will be such a wonderful day.  There is so much that I want to say to you but I can't possibly write all of it here.  You already know everything in my heart.  I love you Ava Elizabeth, you are so important to me and always will be.  Your daddy, Mady, and I miss you more everyday and hope that through this trial we can find ways to honor your name and make you proud.  I am so thankful for the short time that I got to hold you in my arms and witness a true angel.  Words cannot express how beautiful you are Ava.  I love you my sweet baby girl....always. 

Love, Mommy

"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.  THey are plans for good, and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."  - Jeremiah 29:11

"He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." - Isaiah 40:11

"So with you; now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." - John 16:22

Fragile

Life is fragile; bad things happen to good people.  This is something that I have been going over and over in my head for the last month since we lost precious Ava.  I was going over to a friends house on Thursday of this past week for a play date and when I arrived I found out that an F-16 based out of Shaw (our previous assignment) in SC had crashed in Afghanistan.  The pilot did not survive; this very same thing also happened back in January in Italy as well.  Tragedy is happening all around us and it is happening to good people.  I pray for these families because I know the pain of losing someone you love now and it is absolutely gut wrenching to say the least.  This is where true faith comes in; these things are just not comprehendable for our minds.  God has a plan and even though we question it and wonder what in the world is going on; we have to trust that he knows better than we do and there is a plan in store.  I still question God on why he wanted to take sweet Ava before she even had a chance at life, but I just have to let go and let God.  He is definitely at work right now and I don't know the reasons for all of this tragedy but I have to believe that something good will come from it and I hope you all believe that as well.  If you don't have faith or believe in God, then I will say now is the time to start.  All of this tragedy shows us very well that life is fragile and you don't know what is in store from day to day.  Loved ones can be taken from us so quickly and unexpectedly, so you should never take one single moment for granted with them.  The only thing that keeps me going right now is my faith in God and knowing that there is a much better life after this one.

I want you here

I received a CD this week from a sweet friend and it has truly been a blessing. Music has been therapy for me lately. I had been listening to all of the songs a few times but didn't necessarily pay attention to the words of this particular song until yesterday. I was driving home from a friends house with Mady and when I heard the words of this song; I started crying. This song perfectly describes how I feel now. I got home to look at the CD cover and this song was actually written in honor of all of the babies that were taken too soon like my Ava. The group is called Plumb and the song is "I want you here".

An ache so deep
That I can hardly breathe
This pain can't be imagined
Will it ever heal

Your hand so small
Held a strand of my hair
So strong
All I could do was keep believing
Was that enough
Is anyone there

I wanna scream
Is this a dream
How could this happen
Happen to me
This isn't fair this nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you hear, I want you here

I waited so long
For you to come
Then you were here
And now you're gone
I was not prepared
For you to leave me
Oh this is misery
Are you still there

God help me
God help me
Breathe

Save a place for me

This is a song by Matthew West that I have been listening to lately and it makes me think of Ava.  I know that she is saving a place for us and we can't wait to be reunited with her again some day.

Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day
When I’m finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray
With every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

And I wanna live my life
Just like you did
Make the most of my time
Just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Weathering the storm

Do you ever feel like life is a big storm?  I have felt that way lately; some days I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm where things are a bit more calm and easier to handle and other days (like today) the storm is raging and out of control.  The past couple of weeks have been that way for me; very up and down to say the least which is to be expected.  Surprisingly, I haven't really cried in a few days so i guess I was due for a big cry today.  Even though I know that Ava is in a much better place and with a God that is much more equipped to take care of her than we are; I still miss her and long to have her in my arms.  It is amazing how attached you become to someone after carrying them for months during pregnancy.  Ava was a part of me, so it makes sense to feel as if a part of me died when she did.  I am doing the best that I can with trying to regain some sort of normal for our family again, but it is a daily struggle and sometimes I don't succeed.  I have been reading a ton of books, but one in particular has really helped me to work through some of my grief.  The title is "I will carry you" by Angie Smith.  Our stories are somewhat similar, but definitely not the same.  This family found out at around 18 weeks that their baby was incompatible with life and would not survive.  The little girl ended up living for about 2 hours after delivery and then passed away.  The faith that this mother showed has been such an encouragement to me to make sure that I keep my faith and use it to help others.  Our little Ava has already been working in our lives and making us stronger as a family and in Christ as well. I pray that through this tragedy,  we can help bring others to him as well.  The support that we have received and still are has been truly amazing.  Ava has had several memorials dedicated in her name which has been humbling and we appreciate people honoring her.  The cards and letters have been so uplifting and help us more than you realize.  Thank you all!  Please continue to pray for our family and also for me as far as physical healing.  This C section has definitely been harder on me than the last and I pray that my energy/strength returns very soon .  I am healing ok, just not as fast as I would like and I have a very active toddler that needs her mommy back at 100 %.  Once again, thank you for your prayers.  God Bless

One more thing

I also ask that everyone say a special prayer for Mady. Even though she's only 3, she is extremely well aware and knows more than we think she does. She woke from her nap today in tears saying she misses her baby sister Ava. She was so excited about having a baby sister so I know that is hard on her as well. Pray for me that I know how to help her heal as well. I know that another little girl in her school just had a baby sister so I'm sure that she's trying to process all of that as well. Thank you all. Here is a pic just for fun, this is what keeps me smiling daily.

One step forward, two steps back

This past weekend was a good one; John, Mady, and I enjoyed some time by the pool and also took Mady to feed some ducks at a pond close to our house. It felt pretty good to be back to somewhat "normal". Yesterday was my first day "alone" since everything has happened; it was very strange. I am trying to get back into full mommy mode and stay busy with Mady but my heart is still longing to have my little Ava here. I overhear conversations with people talking about their newborn keeping them awake all night. Oh how I wish I was able to be up all night with my baby. I would take a million sleepless nights to have her here with us. If I have learned anything from this; it's to never take one moment for granted with your family. Everything we have is a gift from God and he can take it from us in a second, so hug your babies and children tight and focus on the positive things instead of the negative.

As tragic as it has been losing sweet Ava; it has brought our family so much closer together. I have never felt so loved as i do now by my husband and truly thank God for blessing me with the perfect mate for life. I couldn't ask for a better husband/daddy. I know that even though the days ahead will be tough; we can get through them together as a family and with God. I found this pic of John and I the other day; it is one of our engagement photos. We were so young and carefree back then. When I am having a rough day, I look at this pic and it makes me smile thinking about how happy we were and hopeful that the happiness that we had will return soon. I know that God is making us stronger as a couple, as parents, and as a family through this horrible trial. I ask that you keep us in your prayers that we stay close to him.

My sweet baby girl and I

These are the only pics of Ava and I together in the hospital. Even though I look horrible; I will cherish these pictures for the rest of my life.

Closure

Ava is now home with us....finally.  As hard as it was yesterday to go and pick her up from the funeral home; I feel at least a little closure now knowing that she is safe here with us.  We are really trying to get back to some kind of normal routine for our family, but I admit it is really hard sometimes.  John is doing well;  he went back to work last week and I think that it helped him to get back into his routine.  My mom left today to go back home and that was a little sad to me.  I know she needed to get back to her routine at home, but it was so nice having her here for emotional support.  I know I am strong and I will get through this one day at a time.  I am just really trying to take things slowly right now and not rush back into a horribly busy routine.  Last week was really rough regarding the panic attacks, but thankfully those are starting to get better...thank goodness!! I truly thank everyone for your continued prayers; they are really helping more than you know.  Our family is so grateful for all of the support/prayers that we have received from our Tophat squadron family here at Luke, our family, and our friends; you guys have been amazing to us. 

My little sunshine

This little girl keeps me going and always makes me smile. Thank God for her during this horrible time. Last night and today have been pretty bad; I have been having horrible anxiety/panic attacks. Hoping that this will ease over time. Thank you for continued prayers.

The process of grieving

I had to finally pick out the keepsake box to put our little Ava's ashes into today.  As i was standing in line at the store where we had picked out the beautiful box; I started tearing up.  I literally felt like i could just break out sobbing in front of the whole store.  I was holding a baby keepsake box that most people purchase for happy keepsakes for their child.  I was purchasing this box to put the remains of my precious daughter into.  Words cannot describe how helpless and devastating that feeling is as a parent.  As I got to the counter to show the clerk my words that I had written earlier to be engraved on the box; I was shaking and tears were quietly rolling down my face.  She kept asking me if I was ok.....well, no not really.  All I could think was that these words that came from my heart still could not adequately explain how special she was and how much her daddy and I loved her.  I am definitely in the worst part of grieving right now; everything in my body hurts, my mind is mentally exhausted, and I am just completely broken.  I don't eat; I really try to because I know I need to but just can't.  My mom bought me chick fila for lunch today (my favorite) and I haven't taken a bite of it yet.  I just can't seem to eat anything.  I pray constantly for God to carry us through this terrible storm and I believe he is; but sometimes it is hard for me to feel his presence.

Here are the words that I wrote to have on her box:
Ava Elizabeth Ryan
March 4, 2013

Our Beautiful Ava, you will forever be loved and missed.  We had you in our lives such a very short time, but we'll hold you in our hearts forever.  We had the world when we had you; you are truly our angel.  You are safe in the arms of Jesus.  

"Before i formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart."  
 - Jeremiah 1:5

Ava Elizabeth

As most of you already know, we lost our precious Ava on March 4, 2013 due to a placental abruption from a nasty fall.  I honestly think I am still in shock over everything.  Just over two weeks ago, my mom was visiting and we were working on Ava's nursery and getting things in order for her arrival which would have been the first week of May.

The pregnancy was pretty much perfect other than the severe sickness that I struggled with during the first two trimesters.  We had a very detailed ultrasound on January 4th right after our big move here to Phoenix which showed a beautiful, healthy, baby girl.  Ava was extremely active; always moving.  It always brought me a sense of comfort knowing that she was so active and always moving around.  It gave me reassurance that everything was ok with her. She always had a super strong heartbeat which the doctors always commented on at every visit.  She was strong, just like her big sister Mady.

March 4th was just like any other day in our household; I had been busy running errands and cleaning house.  Around 5 pm I realized that I needed to check the mailbox which is down the street from our house (its a community one) since John was supposed to be night flying that night.  I wanted to have everything done so I could put Mady to bed early and enjoy some "mommy" time and watch a good movie (which I never get to do these days).  Mady wanted to ride her bike to the mailbox so I got her ready to go with her helmet and told her to hold still so I could put the garage door down.  As I was putting the door down, I saw that she was rolling down the driveway.  She has a problem with her stopping so she just keeps going until she falls.  Just as she was rolling down the driveway, a car was speeding down our street and was not slowing down even though they saw a toddler rolling down the driveway.  I rushed to try to get to her and totally lost my balance and fell flat on my belly and skidded down the driveway.  I had a huge abrasion on my head and elbow from sliding.  My belly took the brunt of the fall though unfortunately.  Thank God that the curb stopped mady from going into the street.  She still took a good spill and hurt her tooth, but other than that she was fine.  I, on the other hand, was not.  I could not feel Ava moving at all anymore and my stomach hurt pretty bad.  By divine intervention, I was able to get John on the phone as he was about to step to fly.  Thank goodness.  I had already called 911 so he got to the house shortly after the paramedics did.  Needless to say, I was terrified as I hadn't felt any movement from Ava at all.  Everyone kept reassuring me that she was probably in shock from the fall but I would need further monitoring at the hospital.  Luckily my OB was on call that night so I immediately felt at ease when he showed up.  They had me hooked up to a fetal heart monitor and were constantly checking Ava's heartbeat which was strong as usual.  It did not make sense that she was not moving.  I did not have any typical symptoms of placental abruption which are bleeding and severe pain.  I was uncomfortable from the fall but was never in any significant pain.  They kept performing ultrasounds to see what was going on and they could not get Ava to move at all even though you could see her little heart flickering away on the screen.  Everyone was so confused, because it made no sense.  The ultrasound tech kept trying to get a peek at my placenta to check for abruption, but could not see it at all.  So we spent about 4 hours just sitting there monitoring the heartbeat along with other things.  Everything seemed ok; except for the fact that she was not moving.  After the second ultrasound was completed and the results were the same (no movement), they decided that I was probably going to have to deliver early (as in a few days/weeks) so they started to give me magnesium and steroids to make sure that her lungs were developed for delivery.  Just as they started to give me the drugs; i started going into shock (couldn't breath), blood pressure went really high, etc.  I knew in my heart that something was WRONG.  As soon as my dr walked in, the seriousness of his face let me know that things had progressed to a seriously bad level.  They had just received my blood test back from the lab and it showed that my blood and Ava's blood were mixing (a big sign of abruption) and her heart rate was dropping drastically.  He grabbed the ultrasound machine again and this time he was able to see the abruption which was pretty severe.  I guess the blood was collecting in my uterus.  He immediately said we have to go NOW.  It was like being on an episode of ER, they literally flew me to the OR with no time to prepare.  I think there were a total of 3 doctors and 15 other staff in the operating room which led me to believe how serious this was.  They had to hurridly put me to sleep because they needed to get Ava out fast. All I remember thinking before I was knocked out was please make sure my baby is ok.

I remember waking up and having a hard time talking ( they had to put a tube down my throat) so my throat hurt and I was really hoarse.  The first thing I asked was how's Ava and I want to see her.  No one would answer me and told me to talk to the Dr.  At that moment, I was really scared.  When they put me in recovery, John and my Dr. were standing there and the look on their faces said everything. John told me that Ava didn't make it and my only response was "No", there is no way.  This is not happening.  I kept trying to close my eyes and wake up again so i could escape this horrible nightmare.  The horrible pain from the surgery was NOTHING compared to the pain that I felt from losing my baby and I still feel that pain today.  After a few minutes of being in complete shock and trying to cry (it hurt to bad to cry from the surgery), they asked us if we wanted to see her.  My first response was no; i thought it would be too hard.  After a while, the nurses and John kind of insisted (which I'm grateful for now) that I hold her.  I will never forget my doctor bringing her to me with tears in his eyes saying how "beautiful" she was.  As soon as I laid eyes on her, I fell in love and could not stop staring at our beautiful little baby.  She was the most perfect baby that I had ever laid eyes on.  They let John and I hold our baby girl the whole 2.5 hours in recovery while my doctor stayed with us the entire time.  The support that we received from the nurses/doctor were unbelievable.  The OB triage nurses basically babysat Mady that entire night since we have no family out here.  The next few days in the hospital were such a blur but we were able to keep Ava in the room with us the entire time so I held her as much as I possible could.  We spent our few days in the hospital holding, kissing, and saying goodbye to our little angel.  It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do; how do you say goodbye to your newborn baby girl who you never got to meet?  I never got to see her beautiful eyes looking at me or see her smile.  Even though it has been two weeks since everything has happened, the hurt is still as hard as it was that day.  I find myself thinking about it all of the time and then i just break down and ask why this happened to us.

we decided to go with cremation since we did not want to bury Ava here in Arizona since we will be moving in a couple of years.  we want her with us alll of the time.  That was a horrible decision that we had to make, i am still struggling with that decision.  Today was supposed to be the day that the cremation is happening so needless to say today has been hell for me.  I just want my baby girl at home with us while we hold her and love on her.  Everywhere I go, I see babies and it makes me hurt so bad.  All I can think is "why is that baby here and my Ava is not".  I can't help it, it just hurts.  Everything makes me think of her and I can only pray that the days get a little more bearable.  I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life and i'm not a big crier anyway.  I hope that by keeping this blog, it will be therapeutic for me to write about things and vent from time to time.  Please know that if you read this blog, it may not always be happy posts because we are grieving our daughter so if it bothers you please don't read.  Hopefully one day, we can be an encouragement to someone else who is going through something similar.  But for now, our family needs an enormous amount of prayer and uplifting.  i am doing my best to stay strong for Mady and John, but it is hard.  I am hanging onto my faith because that is all that I can do right now.  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that little Ava is in heaven with Jesus and she is happy and at peace.  Hopefully our family will once again find our peace and happiness.