God, where are you?

This past week, I have been asking this question many times.  As much as I would like to say the week has been good and that everyday gets better; that is just not the case.  I am really having to dig deep to find strength to keep going and this week has been tough.  Some days, it literally hits me like a ton of bricks and my mind can't seem to stop re-playing everything that happened.  To be completely honest, this week has been a lot of sadness and madness for me.  We received a package in the mail from the hospital where Ava was born that had diapers, wipes, etc. It was basically a newborn kit that you get before you leave the hospital. It was a sickening reminder of what had happened..... like a kick in the gut to me. I kept thinking "God, where are you?"  I had my six week post-partum check up on Wednesday and the nurse obviously didn't know the situation at all (no big deal) but she just kept asking how my baby was doing and  how I was doing with taking care of two kids now.  I had to tell her what had happened and it felt so horrible; her face just completely dropped and she kept apologizing.  Another kick to the gut.  I saw a different doctor than I normally do, but he knew the whole situation.  He told me that in all of his years of practice (twenty something), he had only seen my incident happen twice.  "Why God, why did this horrific, freaky accident happen to ME?"  "Where are you!!"

I feel like I have done pretty well until this past week; I guess everyone has to have a breakthrough in their grieving. As a mother, the guilt kills me...I was supposed to be able to protect my baby.  My doctor mentioned that usually babies are very protected while in the womb.  I took such a horrible fall that my body couldn't handle it.  As a counselor, I know that blaming yourself is not the answer and that there was nothing that I could do...but as a mother, I can't help feeling as if I failed her.  I am definitely working on this and with time, I know that things will get much better.  I can already tell that I am getting stronger through this; even though there are some really trying times.  I have accepted that the ups and downs are just a part of grieving and it will be this way for a while.  I have really tried to focus my thoughts on the things that God has blessed me with instead of what I don't have.  One of those things is my other beautiful daughter Mady; she is such a little ray of sunshine and always makes me smile.  As much as I long to have Ava here and always will; I am honestly grateful for the little family that I do have.  I have a wonderful husband and sweet little girl that is such a blessing.  One verse that has been a comfort to me this week is Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:9

I know that many of you are still praying for us and I can't tell you how much it is welcomed and appreciated;   I truly believe in the power of prayer.  I can tell you that without God right now, I would not be coping with this at all.  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  Psalm 34:18.  

On a more positive note, I created a new blog design this week and love it!! I pray that all of you who read this are well and blessed.  Until next time.....