There's a better place

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"Hold me Now" is a song that we sing quite a bit in church and we sang it again today.  It has always been so powerful to me in that it essentially describes exactly what I am feeling in my life right now.  There is still a lot of sadness that surrounds me from losing Ava and I miss her more everyday; I guess there will always be this empty feeling when it comes to our loss.  I remember the first time that I heard this song, it was not long after we had lost sweet Ava and I was still in the midst of heaving grieving.  I remember just standing there listening to the song and I couldn't even sing along because I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness.  I listened to the words and before I knew it I had streams of tears running down my face and I was crying out of control.  I wanted God to hold me right then because I felt so horrible and empty and wanted my baby girl with me.  I know he was there with me because I had a sense of hope that even though what we go through on this earth may be horrible and painful, we have something so much better awaiting for us in Heaven.  I realized that my baby girl is already up there in the best place ever with no pain and so much happiness and healing. She will never know disappointment, pain, sickness, etc.  She is beautiful, whole, and so happy.   I was crying out of sadness and joy at the same time; I know that seems incredibly strange but that is how I felt at the time.  I had to be willing to give up my Ava to Jesus and let go because he is in ultimate control.  That is the hardest thing for a mother/father to have to do, and then I think of how God sent his son Jesus to die a horrendous death on the cross for OUR sins when he was perfect.  God had to sacrifice his son and so I was chosen for whatever reason to lose my baby girl.

I have been dealing with a lot of guilt since Ava's passing.  Even though I know everything was completely out of my control, I still can't help but feel a sense of guilt of they didn't God take me instead of Ava.  I have lived a good life and she had her whole life ahead of her.  I would have gladly given my life for hers; but for some reason (God knows better than we do) he wasn't finished with me here.  We have Ava's nursery closed most of the time unless I am airing it out for some reason.  It is still really hard for me to go in there and look at her things; we don't want to get rid of anything yet until we know if we will have another baby.  The other day I noticed that the door was cracked so I asked Mady if she had been playing in Ava's room (sometimes she does).  She answered "mommy, I was in Ava's room praying for Ava, you, and Daddy".  I told her that it was really sweet of her but I wondered what she was praying for.  "I prayed for you to not be sad and cry anymore mommy and I prayed for Ava that she wouldn't cry anymore because she misses us".  She said, "Ava gets sad when you cry mommy, she loves you and doesn't want you to be sad for her anymore".  My heart about dropped when she told me this; what amazing words those were that came from my daughter.  Somehow God is working through Mady to help me heal from this and he is working through my sweet Ava as well.  Mady went on to tell me that she goes in there quite often to get down on her knees to pray for all of us; I am so incredibly proud of my precious daughter.  She has the sweetest soul of anyone that I know, with the biggest loving heart.  I am so blessed to be her mommy and I am certain that Ava would have been very similar.  My longing to hold her is so strong some days; it is a pain like no other.  I just have to pray to God to help ease the pain for me.  He always blesses me in some other positive way when I am feeling that way though; he is always there.

I am extremely thankful for my beautiful family; I have been blessed with two beautiful, special daughters.  I don't know what God has in store for our family but I am hopeful and I know whatever it is it will be great.  I am so grateful for the hope that we have in Christ that our pain and suffering here on this earth are only for a moment; there is something so much greater waiting for us after this life is over.