I have been wanting to write my sweet girl a letter for the past few weeks, but somehow could never find the right words to do so. Today felt like the right time.......
"love knows not its own depth until the time of separation" - author unknown
"some people believe in angels, I held on in my arms"
Ava, my beautiful daughter,
This is so hard for me to say the right words that can adequately describe just how amazing you are and how much I love you. I know that you already know every word that I will write down before I do; but I still want to do this. Going back to September 1st 2012 when we first found out that we were expecting you, we were absolutely shocked to say the least. Daddy had just returned from a 7 month deployment a few months earlier and we were very unsure of where we or he would be going next. So needless to say, I was a bit nervous but I knew we could handle it and that you would bring us so much joy. The first few months of the pregnancy were kind of a blur because I was so extremely sick; I was definitely ready for that part of the pregnancy to be over. The only thing that kept me going through all of that sickness was hearing your tiny but very strong heartbeat every time I visited the doctor. The bigger you grew inside of me, I knew that you would be strong and you were. We found out in October that we would be moving to Phoenix, AZ for our next assignment so we were very happy; however we were moving the first week of December....yikes! I remember right around the time that we were moving; I was starting to really feel you move inside of me. Through all of the stress, tiredness, and sickness...that was such a glimmer of hope knowing that we had a strong, healthy baby inside and you were growing. We made the long drive to Phoenix stopping at Mimi and Papa's (my parents) house along the way to celebrate Christmas early. You were with us the whole time, so you were definitely a well traveled baby before you were even born. As soon as we got out here to Phoenix we had our 2nd trimester ultrasound to find out the sex and make sure that you were ok and healthy. You were PERFECT, everything about you was 100% perfect and you were a GIRL!! I , knew it the whole time and I couldn't have been more excited about another beautiful little girl. I remember feeling so blessed that we had such a healthy baby and feeling extremely relieved when we left the dr. office that everything was perfect with you. You were so beautiful even then and I couldn't wait to have you here in my arms. You continued to grow right on schedule and boy were you active. I would just sit and watch you kicking me from the outside; you were even more active than your big sister Mady. I just knew that you would be a soccer player. You loved Einstein bagels, chipotle burritos, and taco bell! Whenever I would eat certain things, you would go crazy in my belly.
Ava, I cannot describe how much I want you here right now and how much your daddy, Mady and I miss you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about your first smile, your first steps, and your first words. I had so many plans for you and I am reminded of them daily and how they are not going to happen. I was thrilled to be having a baby in the house again, since mady is growing up so fast. I looked forward to waking up feeding you and seeing your beautiful eyes and smile and forgetting about how tired I was. I looked forward to seeing how Mady took you under her wing and taught you things that daddy and I couldn't. Mady would have been such a great big sister to you Ava; she loved you so very much even before you were born. She still talks about you everyday and how she wants you to come play with her so she can teach you:) She asks me every single day if she can kiss your memorial box so I let her. It just feels so empty without you here baby girl; you would have completed our family.
No one can know how much I love you, because you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like beating from the inside.
"As you danced in the light with joy, love lifted you. As you brushed against this world so gently, you lifted us." - TC Ring
"An angel, in the book of life, wrote down my baby's birth. Then wispered as he closed the book, too beautiful for Earth."
Ava, you have made such an impact on not only your daddy and I but so many other people. Through your short life, you were an incredible witness of God's power and love. The nurses/doctors at the hospital where you were born talked about you for days and were so shaken by the situation and are probably still talking about it; they saw an angel. You are so special and I truly believe that because of you the world will be forever changed. As a mother, it is so hard to not have you in my arms so I can love on you and take care of you. Leaving you at the hospital when daddy and I went home was one of the most heart breaking things I have ever had to do. I wanted to just run back in and grab you and sneak you home with us. It took every bit of courage I had to not run back in there and stay with you until the funeral home picked you up. I even wanted to go to the funeral home and sit with you because that is just what a mother does; I didn't want you to be alone. I found myself waking up every night in a panic thinking about you being all alone without us. It was too much to bear and no mother should ever have to. Even though I knew that you were no longer in your earthly body; I still didn't want you to be cold and all alone. You never know how protective you can be until you have children. I know that you are in heaven and Jesus is taking good care of you and most of all you are whole and happy. That brings me peace, knowing that you are safe in Jesus's arms and you are happy and carefree. You have made me a much stronger person Ava and I will always be in gratitude to you for that. You have opened my eyes to what is really important in life. It is not easy and I still have very rough days where I just cry because I miss you so much; but I know that you and God are walking with us every step of the way. I know that heaven was a very happy place on March 4th; everyone there is so very lucky to be in your presence. Even though we are still on earth, I know that one day we will be reunited with you and that will be such a wonderful day. There is so much that I want to say to you but I can't possibly write all of it here. You already know everything in my heart. I love you Ava Elizabeth, you are so important to me and always will be. Your daddy, Mady, and I miss you more everyday and hope that through this trial we can find ways to honor your name and make you proud. I am so thankful for the short time that I got to hold you in my arms and witness a true angel. Words cannot express how beautiful you are Ava. I love you my sweet baby girl....always.
Love, Mommy
"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. THey are plans for good, and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11
"He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." - Isaiah 40:11
"So with you; now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." - John 16:22
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That is beautiful, my sweet friend.
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