An actual conversation with Mady. "Mommy, I need Jesus' phone number because I need to speak with him"! Me: "why do you need to speak with Jesus Mady?" "Well I want to ask him if Ava can come down from heaven and play with me." Oh, the innocence of a child. How I wish that Mady could have her little sister here right now. I always imagined she and Mady being so close and lifelong companions. It breaks my heart that this will never happen.
I picked the name Ava because of how seemingly uncommon it was. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen/heard that name since we lost her. I was at the grocery store this morning and kept running into a lady with her young daughter. She kept yelling her name "Ava" over and over. She had blonde hair and blue eyes; I couldn't help but imagine that my Ava would have favored her. I miss my baby girl and feel so empty without her. Every time I see a baby; it is like a sharp knife. Ava's nursery is still untouched; I can't seem to gather the courage to even go in there. Even though it has almost been 2 months, it still feels so raw and painful.
It actually helps to talk about her; I guess it is therapeutic for me. I always want to remember how beautiful she was and how wonderful it was to hold her even though she was no longer with us. I think a lot of people are afraid to bring her name up because they think it is too painful. I all honesty, I love when people ask about her, it makes me feel like she is remembered and honored. Please keep us in your prayers, we are doing better but still have really hard days. It is something I will never "get over" but learn ways to accept/deal with more everyday.
In my selfishness, I want her with us here. I have to continually remind myself that she was always one of God's angels and he needed her with him. I can't even begin to imagine how beautiful she is in heaven right now dancing with all of the other angels.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Fun weekend
What a fun weekend! My best friend Penny was able to come visit over the weekend and we had so much fun. You know those friends that are more like family and make you feel better just by being there? Penny and I have been through so much together so she knows me better than most. Hanging out with her this past weekend brought back so many good memories and at the same time helped distract me from the pain that I have been going through lately. I really needed this time; it was such a blessing. Mady really enjoyed our girl time as well; she enjoyed Penny's creativity and art projects because lets face it....creativity is not my speciality. Thank you so much for coming out here to visit us; love you girl!!
I have been doing a little better each day. It is a slow process and I miss Ava so much but we have a lot of activities coming up so staying busy will definitely help me. Mady is coming up toward the end of her school year so there are lots of events with that coming up. John and I are going on a little getaway on the first weekend of May to Sedona, AZ ; John's parents will be coming out to stay with Mady while we are gone; so I'm sure that she will have a blast with them. Adam (John's youngest brother) and Erika's wedding is at the end of May in Chicago, so we are going up for that and making it a little vacation for us. Mady will be going to summer school the whole month of June, and then in July Mady and I will travel to Texarkana to visit my parents for a few weeks. We are also trying to plan a trip to Disneyland for the end of July before Mady goes back to school on Aug 5. Needless to say, the summer will be busy but in a good way.
I have been reading a new devotional book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I just wanted to share the devotion from about a week ago that I felt I could relate to.
Trust me, and don't be afraid. Many things feel out of control. Your routines are not running smoothly. You tend to feel more secure when your life is predictable. Let me lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances. Take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely secure.
When you are shaken out of your comfortable routines, grip My hand tightly and look for growth opportunities. Instead of bemoaning the loss of your comfort, accept the challenge of something new, I lead you on from glory to glory, making you fit for My kingdom. Say yes to the ways I work in your life. Trust Me, and don't be afraid. - Isaiah 12:2, Psalm 61:2-4, 2 Corinthians 3:18.
When I read this, I couldn't help but think of how I have felt lately. Everything about our situation has been uncomfortable and doesn't make any sense to us. As hard as it is, i have to trust that God is growing me and that there is a much bigger plan in store. Someone once told me that the times that you don't feel God's presence and you feel you are at your worst; he is working extra hard on your situation and carrying you even closer than he usually does. There have been days where I felt that I couldn't get up and go, but I pushed through. That was God pushing me through, not me. I am strong because God is strong. My strength is not my own; I believe this to be absolutely true.
I have been doing a little better each day. It is a slow process and I miss Ava so much but we have a lot of activities coming up so staying busy will definitely help me. Mady is coming up toward the end of her school year so there are lots of events with that coming up. John and I are going on a little getaway on the first weekend of May to Sedona, AZ ; John's parents will be coming out to stay with Mady while we are gone; so I'm sure that she will have a blast with them. Adam (John's youngest brother) and Erika's wedding is at the end of May in Chicago, so we are going up for that and making it a little vacation for us. Mady will be going to summer school the whole month of June, and then in July Mady and I will travel to Texarkana to visit my parents for a few weeks. We are also trying to plan a trip to Disneyland for the end of July before Mady goes back to school on Aug 5. Needless to say, the summer will be busy but in a good way.
I have been reading a new devotional book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I just wanted to share the devotion from about a week ago that I felt I could relate to.
Trust me, and don't be afraid. Many things feel out of control. Your routines are not running smoothly. You tend to feel more secure when your life is predictable. Let me lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances. Take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely secure.
When you are shaken out of your comfortable routines, grip My hand tightly and look for growth opportunities. Instead of bemoaning the loss of your comfort, accept the challenge of something new, I lead you on from glory to glory, making you fit for My kingdom. Say yes to the ways I work in your life. Trust Me, and don't be afraid. - Isaiah 12:2, Psalm 61:2-4, 2 Corinthians 3:18.
When I read this, I couldn't help but think of how I have felt lately. Everything about our situation has been uncomfortable and doesn't make any sense to us. As hard as it is, i have to trust that God is growing me and that there is a much bigger plan in store. Someone once told me that the times that you don't feel God's presence and you feel you are at your worst; he is working extra hard on your situation and carrying you even closer than he usually does. There have been days where I felt that I couldn't get up and go, but I pushed through. That was God pushing me through, not me. I am strong because God is strong. My strength is not my own; I believe this to be absolutely true.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
God, where are you?
This past week, I have been asking this question many times. As much as I would like to say the week has been good and that everyday gets better; that is just not the case. I am really having to dig deep to find strength to keep going and this week has been tough. Some days, it literally hits me like a ton of bricks and my mind can't seem to stop re-playing everything that happened. To be completely honest, this week has been a lot of sadness and madness for me. We received a package in the mail from the hospital where Ava was born that had diapers, wipes, etc. It was basically a newborn kit that you get before you leave the hospital. It was a sickening reminder of what had happened..... like a kick in the gut to me. I kept thinking "God, where are you?" I had my six week post-partum check up on Wednesday and the nurse obviously didn't know the situation at all (no big deal) but she just kept asking how my baby was doing and how I was doing with taking care of two kids now. I had to tell her what had happened and it felt so horrible; her face just completely dropped and she kept apologizing. Another kick to the gut. I saw a different doctor than I normally do, but he knew the whole situation. He told me that in all of his years of practice (twenty something), he had only seen my incident happen twice. "Why God, why did this horrific, freaky accident happen to ME?" "Where are you!!"
I feel like I have done pretty well until this past week; I guess everyone has to have a breakthrough in their grieving. As a mother, the guilt kills me...I was supposed to be able to protect my baby. My doctor mentioned that usually babies are very protected while in the womb. I took such a horrible fall that my body couldn't handle it. As a counselor, I know that blaming yourself is not the answer and that there was nothing that I could do...but as a mother, I can't help feeling as if I failed her. I am definitely working on this and with time, I know that things will get much better. I can already tell that I am getting stronger through this; even though there are some really trying times. I have accepted that the ups and downs are just a part of grieving and it will be this way for a while. I have really tried to focus my thoughts on the things that God has blessed me with instead of what I don't have. One of those things is my other beautiful daughter Mady; she is such a little ray of sunshine and always makes me smile. As much as I long to have Ava here and always will; I am honestly grateful for the little family that I do have. I have a wonderful husband and sweet little girl that is such a blessing. One verse that has been a comfort to me this week is Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
I know that many of you are still praying for us and I can't tell you how much it is welcomed and appreciated; I truly believe in the power of prayer. I can tell you that without God right now, I would not be coping with this at all. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18.
On a more positive note, I created a new blog design this week and love it!! I pray that all of you who read this are well and blessed. Until next time.....
I feel like I have done pretty well until this past week; I guess everyone has to have a breakthrough in their grieving. As a mother, the guilt kills me...I was supposed to be able to protect my baby. My doctor mentioned that usually babies are very protected while in the womb. I took such a horrible fall that my body couldn't handle it. As a counselor, I know that blaming yourself is not the answer and that there was nothing that I could do...but as a mother, I can't help feeling as if I failed her. I am definitely working on this and with time, I know that things will get much better. I can already tell that I am getting stronger through this; even though there are some really trying times. I have accepted that the ups and downs are just a part of grieving and it will be this way for a while. I have really tried to focus my thoughts on the things that God has blessed me with instead of what I don't have. One of those things is my other beautiful daughter Mady; she is such a little ray of sunshine and always makes me smile. As much as I long to have Ava here and always will; I am honestly grateful for the little family that I do have. I have a wonderful husband and sweet little girl that is such a blessing. One verse that has been a comfort to me this week is Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
I know that many of you are still praying for us and I can't tell you how much it is welcomed and appreciated; I truly believe in the power of prayer. I can tell you that without God right now, I would not be coping with this at all. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18.
On a more positive note, I created a new blog design this week and love it!! I pray that all of you who read this are well and blessed. Until next time.....
Monday, April 8, 2013
A letter to Ava from Mommy
I have been wanting to write my sweet girl a letter for the past few weeks, but somehow could never find the right words to do so. Today felt like the right time.......
"love knows not its own depth until the time of separation" - author unknown
"some people believe in angels, I held on in my arms"
Ava, my beautiful daughter,
This is so hard for me to say the right words that can adequately describe just how amazing you are and how much I love you. I know that you already know every word that I will write down before I do; but I still want to do this. Going back to September 1st 2012 when we first found out that we were expecting you, we were absolutely shocked to say the least. Daddy had just returned from a 7 month deployment a few months earlier and we were very unsure of where we or he would be going next. So needless to say, I was a bit nervous but I knew we could handle it and that you would bring us so much joy. The first few months of the pregnancy were kind of a blur because I was so extremely sick; I was definitely ready for that part of the pregnancy to be over. The only thing that kept me going through all of that sickness was hearing your tiny but very strong heartbeat every time I visited the doctor. The bigger you grew inside of me, I knew that you would be strong and you were. We found out in October that we would be moving to Phoenix, AZ for our next assignment so we were very happy; however we were moving the first week of December....yikes! I remember right around the time that we were moving; I was starting to really feel you move inside of me. Through all of the stress, tiredness, and sickness...that was such a glimmer of hope knowing that we had a strong, healthy baby inside and you were growing. We made the long drive to Phoenix stopping at Mimi and Papa's (my parents) house along the way to celebrate Christmas early. You were with us the whole time, so you were definitely a well traveled baby before you were even born. As soon as we got out here to Phoenix we had our 2nd trimester ultrasound to find out the sex and make sure that you were ok and healthy. You were PERFECT, everything about you was 100% perfect and you were a GIRL!! I , knew it the whole time and I couldn't have been more excited about another beautiful little girl. I remember feeling so blessed that we had such a healthy baby and feeling extremely relieved when we left the dr. office that everything was perfect with you. You were so beautiful even then and I couldn't wait to have you here in my arms. You continued to grow right on schedule and boy were you active. I would just sit and watch you kicking me from the outside; you were even more active than your big sister Mady. I just knew that you would be a soccer player. You loved Einstein bagels, chipotle burritos, and taco bell! Whenever I would eat certain things, you would go crazy in my belly.
Ava, I cannot describe how much I want you here right now and how much your daddy, Mady and I miss you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about your first smile, your first steps, and your first words. I had so many plans for you and I am reminded of them daily and how they are not going to happen. I was thrilled to be having a baby in the house again, since mady is growing up so fast. I looked forward to waking up feeding you and seeing your beautiful eyes and smile and forgetting about how tired I was. I looked forward to seeing how Mady took you under her wing and taught you things that daddy and I couldn't. Mady would have been such a great big sister to you Ava; she loved you so very much even before you were born. She still talks about you everyday and how she wants you to come play with her so she can teach you:) She asks me every single day if she can kiss your memorial box so I let her. It just feels so empty without you here baby girl; you would have completed our family.
No one can know how much I love you, because you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like beating from the inside.
"As you danced in the light with joy, love lifted you. As you brushed against this world so gently, you lifted us." - TC Ring
"An angel, in the book of life, wrote down my baby's birth. Then wispered as he closed the book, too beautiful for Earth."
Ava, you have made such an impact on not only your daddy and I but so many other people. Through your short life, you were an incredible witness of God's power and love. The nurses/doctors at the hospital where you were born talked about you for days and were so shaken by the situation and are probably still talking about it; they saw an angel. You are so special and I truly believe that because of you the world will be forever changed. As a mother, it is so hard to not have you in my arms so I can love on you and take care of you. Leaving you at the hospital when daddy and I went home was one of the most heart breaking things I have ever had to do. I wanted to just run back in and grab you and sneak you home with us. It took every bit of courage I had to not run back in there and stay with you until the funeral home picked you up. I even wanted to go to the funeral home and sit with you because that is just what a mother does; I didn't want you to be alone. I found myself waking up every night in a panic thinking about you being all alone without us. It was too much to bear and no mother should ever have to. Even though I knew that you were no longer in your earthly body; I still didn't want you to be cold and all alone. You never know how protective you can be until you have children. I know that you are in heaven and Jesus is taking good care of you and most of all you are whole and happy. That brings me peace, knowing that you are safe in Jesus's arms and you are happy and carefree. You have made me a much stronger person Ava and I will always be in gratitude to you for that. You have opened my eyes to what is really important in life. It is not easy and I still have very rough days where I just cry because I miss you so much; but I know that you and God are walking with us every step of the way. I know that heaven was a very happy place on March 4th; everyone there is so very lucky to be in your presence. Even though we are still on earth, I know that one day we will be reunited with you and that will be such a wonderful day. There is so much that I want to say to you but I can't possibly write all of it here. You already know everything in my heart. I love you Ava Elizabeth, you are so important to me and always will be. Your daddy, Mady, and I miss you more everyday and hope that through this trial we can find ways to honor your name and make you proud. I am so thankful for the short time that I got to hold you in my arms and witness a true angel. Words cannot express how beautiful you are Ava. I love you my sweet baby girl....always.
Love, Mommy
"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. THey are plans for good, and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11
"He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." - Isaiah 40:11
"So with you; now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." - John 16:22
"love knows not its own depth until the time of separation" - author unknown
"some people believe in angels, I held on in my arms"
Ava, my beautiful daughter,
This is so hard for me to say the right words that can adequately describe just how amazing you are and how much I love you. I know that you already know every word that I will write down before I do; but I still want to do this. Going back to September 1st 2012 when we first found out that we were expecting you, we were absolutely shocked to say the least. Daddy had just returned from a 7 month deployment a few months earlier and we were very unsure of where we or he would be going next. So needless to say, I was a bit nervous but I knew we could handle it and that you would bring us so much joy. The first few months of the pregnancy were kind of a blur because I was so extremely sick; I was definitely ready for that part of the pregnancy to be over. The only thing that kept me going through all of that sickness was hearing your tiny but very strong heartbeat every time I visited the doctor. The bigger you grew inside of me, I knew that you would be strong and you were. We found out in October that we would be moving to Phoenix, AZ for our next assignment so we were very happy; however we were moving the first week of December....yikes! I remember right around the time that we were moving; I was starting to really feel you move inside of me. Through all of the stress, tiredness, and sickness...that was such a glimmer of hope knowing that we had a strong, healthy baby inside and you were growing. We made the long drive to Phoenix stopping at Mimi and Papa's (my parents) house along the way to celebrate Christmas early. You were with us the whole time, so you were definitely a well traveled baby before you were even born. As soon as we got out here to Phoenix we had our 2nd trimester ultrasound to find out the sex and make sure that you were ok and healthy. You were PERFECT, everything about you was 100% perfect and you were a GIRL!! I , knew it the whole time and I couldn't have been more excited about another beautiful little girl. I remember feeling so blessed that we had such a healthy baby and feeling extremely relieved when we left the dr. office that everything was perfect with you. You were so beautiful even then and I couldn't wait to have you here in my arms. You continued to grow right on schedule and boy were you active. I would just sit and watch you kicking me from the outside; you were even more active than your big sister Mady. I just knew that you would be a soccer player. You loved Einstein bagels, chipotle burritos, and taco bell! Whenever I would eat certain things, you would go crazy in my belly.
Ava, I cannot describe how much I want you here right now and how much your daddy, Mady and I miss you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about your first smile, your first steps, and your first words. I had so many plans for you and I am reminded of them daily and how they are not going to happen. I was thrilled to be having a baby in the house again, since mady is growing up so fast. I looked forward to waking up feeding you and seeing your beautiful eyes and smile and forgetting about how tired I was. I looked forward to seeing how Mady took you under her wing and taught you things that daddy and I couldn't. Mady would have been such a great big sister to you Ava; she loved you so very much even before you were born. She still talks about you everyday and how she wants you to come play with her so she can teach you:) She asks me every single day if she can kiss your memorial box so I let her. It just feels so empty without you here baby girl; you would have completed our family.
No one can know how much I love you, because you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like beating from the inside.
"As you danced in the light with joy, love lifted you. As you brushed against this world so gently, you lifted us." - TC Ring
"An angel, in the book of life, wrote down my baby's birth. Then wispered as he closed the book, too beautiful for Earth."
Ava, you have made such an impact on not only your daddy and I but so many other people. Through your short life, you were an incredible witness of God's power and love. The nurses/doctors at the hospital where you were born talked about you for days and were so shaken by the situation and are probably still talking about it; they saw an angel. You are so special and I truly believe that because of you the world will be forever changed. As a mother, it is so hard to not have you in my arms so I can love on you and take care of you. Leaving you at the hospital when daddy and I went home was one of the most heart breaking things I have ever had to do. I wanted to just run back in and grab you and sneak you home with us. It took every bit of courage I had to not run back in there and stay with you until the funeral home picked you up. I even wanted to go to the funeral home and sit with you because that is just what a mother does; I didn't want you to be alone. I found myself waking up every night in a panic thinking about you being all alone without us. It was too much to bear and no mother should ever have to. Even though I knew that you were no longer in your earthly body; I still didn't want you to be cold and all alone. You never know how protective you can be until you have children. I know that you are in heaven and Jesus is taking good care of you and most of all you are whole and happy. That brings me peace, knowing that you are safe in Jesus's arms and you are happy and carefree. You have made me a much stronger person Ava and I will always be in gratitude to you for that. You have opened my eyes to what is really important in life. It is not easy and I still have very rough days where I just cry because I miss you so much; but I know that you and God are walking with us every step of the way. I know that heaven was a very happy place on March 4th; everyone there is so very lucky to be in your presence. Even though we are still on earth, I know that one day we will be reunited with you and that will be such a wonderful day. There is so much that I want to say to you but I can't possibly write all of it here. You already know everything in my heart. I love you Ava Elizabeth, you are so important to me and always will be. Your daddy, Mady, and I miss you more everyday and hope that through this trial we can find ways to honor your name and make you proud. I am so thankful for the short time that I got to hold you in my arms and witness a true angel. Words cannot express how beautiful you are Ava. I love you my sweet baby girl....always.
Love, Mommy
"For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. THey are plans for good, and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11
"He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." - Isaiah 40:11
"So with you; now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." - John 16:22
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Fragile
Life is fragile; bad things happen to good people. This is something that I have been going over and over in my head for the last month since we lost precious Ava. I was going over to a friends house on Thursday of this past week for a play date and when I arrived I found out that an F-16 based out of Shaw (our previous assignment) in SC had crashed in Afghanistan. The pilot did not survive; this very same thing also happened back in January in Italy as well. Tragedy is happening all around us and it is happening to good people. I pray for these families because I know the pain of losing someone you love now and it is absolutely gut wrenching to say the least. This is where true faith comes in; these things are just not comprehendable for our minds. God has a plan and even though we question it and wonder what in the world is going on; we have to trust that he knows better than we do and there is a plan in store. I still question God on why he wanted to take sweet Ava before she even had a chance at life, but I just have to let go and let God. He is definitely at work right now and I don't know the reasons for all of this tragedy but I have to believe that something good will come from it and I hope you all believe that as well. If you don't have faith or believe in God, then I will say now is the time to start. All of this tragedy shows us very well that life is fragile and you don't know what is in store from day to day. Loved ones can be taken from us so quickly and unexpectedly, so you should never take one single moment for granted with them. The only thing that keeps me going right now is my faith in God and knowing that there is a much better life after this one.
I want you here
I received a CD this week from a sweet friend and it has truly been a blessing. Music has been therapy for me lately. I had been listening to all of the songs a few times but didn't necessarily pay attention to the words of this particular song until yesterday. I was driving home from a friends house with Mady and when I heard the words of this song; I started crying. This song perfectly describes how I feel now. I got home to look at the CD cover and this song was actually written in honor of all of the babies that were taken too soon like my Ava. The group is called Plumb and the song is "I want you here".
An ache so deep
That I can hardly breathe
This pain can't be imagined
Will it ever heal
Your hand so small
Held a strand of my hair
So strong
All I could do was keep believing
Was that enough
Is anyone there
I wanna scream
Is this a dream
How could this happen
Happen to me
This isn't fair this nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you hear, I want you here
I waited so long
For you to come
Then you were here
And now you're gone
I was not prepared
For you to leave me
Oh this is misery
Are you still there
God help me
God help me
Breathe
An ache so deep
That I can hardly breathe
This pain can't be imagined
Will it ever heal
Your hand so small
Held a strand of my hair
So strong
All I could do was keep believing
Was that enough
Is anyone there
I wanna scream
Is this a dream
How could this happen
Happen to me
This isn't fair this nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you hear, I want you here
I waited so long
For you to come
Then you were here
And now you're gone
I was not prepared
For you to leave me
Oh this is misery
Are you still there
God help me
God help me
Breathe
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Save a place for me
This is a song by Matthew West that I have been listening to lately and it makes me think of Ava. I know that she is saving a place for us and we can't wait to be reunited with her again some day.
Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day
When I’m finally there with you
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray
With every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life
Just like you did
Make the most of my time
Just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there
Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day
When I’m finally there with you
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray
With every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life
Just like you did
Make the most of my time
Just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there
Weathering the storm
Do you ever feel like life is a big storm? I have felt that way lately; some days I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm where things are a bit more calm and easier to handle and other days (like today) the storm is raging and out of control. The past couple of weeks have been that way for me; very up and down to say the least which is to be expected. Surprisingly, I haven't really cried in a few days so i guess I was due for a big cry today. Even though I know that Ava is in a much better place and with a God that is much more equipped to take care of her than we are; I still miss her and long to have her in my arms. It is amazing how attached you become to someone after carrying them for months during pregnancy. Ava was a part of me, so it makes sense to feel as if a part of me died when she did. I am doing the best that I can with trying to regain some sort of normal for our family again, but it is a daily struggle and sometimes I don't succeed. I have been reading a ton of books, but one in particular has really helped me to work through some of my grief. The title is "I will carry you" by Angie Smith. Our stories are somewhat similar, but definitely not the same. This family found out at around 18 weeks that their baby was incompatible with life and would not survive. The little girl ended up living for about 2 hours after delivery and then passed away. The faith that this mother showed has been such an encouragement to me to make sure that I keep my faith and use it to help others. Our little Ava has already been working in our lives and making us stronger as a family and in Christ as well. I pray that through this tragedy, we can help bring others to him as well. The support that we have received and still are has been truly amazing. Ava has had several memorials dedicated in her name which has been humbling and we appreciate people honoring her. The cards and letters have been so uplifting and help us more than you realize. Thank you all! Please continue to pray for our family and also for me as far as physical healing. This C section has definitely been harder on me than the last and I pray that my energy/strength returns very soon . I am healing ok, just not as fast as I would like and I have a very active toddler that needs her mommy back at 100 %. Once again, thank you for your prayers. God Bless
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