Tuesday, March 26, 2013
One more thing
I also ask that everyone say a special prayer for Mady. Even though she's only 3, she is extremely well aware and knows more than we think she does. She woke from her nap today in tears saying she misses her baby sister Ava. She was so excited about having a baby sister so I know that is hard on her as well. Pray for me that I know how to help her heal as well. I know that another little girl in her school just had a baby sister so I'm sure that she's trying to process all of that as well. Thank you all. Here is a pic just for fun, this is what keeps me smiling daily.
One step forward, two steps back
This past weekend was a good one; John, Mady, and I enjoyed some time by the pool and also took Mady to feed some ducks at a pond close to our house. It felt pretty good to be back to somewhat "normal". Yesterday was my first day "alone" since everything has happened; it was very strange. I am trying to get back into full mommy mode and stay busy with Mady but my heart is still longing to have my little Ava here. I overhear conversations with people talking about their newborn keeping them awake all night. Oh how I wish I was able to be up all night with my baby. I would take a million sleepless nights to have her here with us. If I have learned anything from this; it's to never take one moment for granted with your family. Everything we have is a gift from God and he can take it from us in a second, so hug your babies and children tight and focus on the positive things instead of the negative.
As tragic as it has been losing sweet Ava; it has brought our family so much closer together. I have never felt so loved as i do now by my husband and truly thank God for blessing me with the perfect mate for life. I couldn't ask for a better husband/daddy. I know that even though the days ahead will be tough; we can get through them together as a family and with God. I found this pic of John and I the other day; it is one of our engagement photos. We were so young and carefree back then. When I am having a rough day, I look at this pic and it makes me smile thinking about how happy we were and hopeful that the happiness that we had will return soon. I know that God is making us stronger as a couple, as parents, and as a family through this horrible trial. I ask that you keep us in your prayers that we stay close to him.
As tragic as it has been losing sweet Ava; it has brought our family so much closer together. I have never felt so loved as i do now by my husband and truly thank God for blessing me with the perfect mate for life. I couldn't ask for a better husband/daddy. I know that even though the days ahead will be tough; we can get through them together as a family and with God. I found this pic of John and I the other day; it is one of our engagement photos. We were so young and carefree back then. When I am having a rough day, I look at this pic and it makes me smile thinking about how happy we were and hopeful that the happiness that we had will return soon. I know that God is making us stronger as a couple, as parents, and as a family through this horrible trial. I ask that you keep us in your prayers that we stay close to him.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
My sweet baby girl and I
These are the only pics of Ava and I together in the hospital. Even though I look horrible; I will cherish these pictures for the rest of my life.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Closure
Ava is now home with us....finally. As hard as it was yesterday to go and pick her up from the funeral home; I feel at least a little closure now knowing that she is safe here with us. We are really trying to get back to some kind of normal routine for our family, but I admit it is really hard sometimes. John is doing well; he went back to work last week and I think that it helped him to get back into his routine. My mom left today to go back home and that was a little sad to me. I know she needed to get back to her routine at home, but it was so nice having her here for emotional support. I know I am strong and I will get through this one day at a time. I am just really trying to take things slowly right now and not rush back into a horribly busy routine. Last week was really rough regarding the panic attacks, but thankfully those are starting to get better...thank goodness!! I truly thank everyone for your continued prayers; they are really helping more than you know. Our family is so grateful for all of the support/prayers that we have received from our Tophat squadron family here at Luke, our family, and our friends; you guys have been amazing to us.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
My little sunshine
This little girl keeps me going and always makes me smile. Thank God for her during this horrible time. Last night and today have been pretty bad; I have been having horrible anxiety/panic attacks. Hoping that this will ease over time. Thank you for continued prayers.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
The process of grieving
I had to finally pick out the keepsake box to put our little Ava's ashes into today. As i was standing in line at the store where we had picked out the beautiful box; I started tearing up. I literally felt like i could just break out sobbing in front of the whole store. I was holding a baby keepsake box that most people purchase for happy keepsakes for their child. I was purchasing this box to put the remains of my precious daughter into. Words cannot describe how helpless and devastating that feeling is as a parent. As I got to the counter to show the clerk my words that I had written earlier to be engraved on the box; I was shaking and tears were quietly rolling down my face. She kept asking me if I was ok.....well, no not really. All I could think was that these words that came from my heart still could not adequately explain how special she was and how much her daddy and I loved her. I am definitely in the worst part of grieving right now; everything in my body hurts, my mind is mentally exhausted, and I am just completely broken. I don't eat; I really try to because I know I need to but just can't. My mom bought me chick fila for lunch today (my favorite) and I haven't taken a bite of it yet. I just can't seem to eat anything. I pray constantly for God to carry us through this terrible storm and I believe he is; but sometimes it is hard for me to feel his presence.
Here are the words that I wrote to have on her box:
Ava Elizabeth Ryan
March 4, 2013
Our Beautiful Ava, you will forever be loved and missed. We had you in our lives such a very short time, but we'll hold you in our hearts forever. We had the world when we had you; you are truly our angel. You are safe in the arms of Jesus.
"Before i formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart."
- Jeremiah 1:5
Here are the words that I wrote to have on her box:
Ava Elizabeth Ryan
March 4, 2013
Our Beautiful Ava, you will forever be loved and missed. We had you in our lives such a very short time, but we'll hold you in our hearts forever. We had the world when we had you; you are truly our angel. You are safe in the arms of Jesus.
"Before i formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart."
- Jeremiah 1:5
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Ava Elizabeth
As most of you already know, we lost our precious Ava on March 4, 2013 due to a placental abruption from a nasty fall. I honestly think I am still in shock over everything. Just over two weeks ago, my mom was visiting and we were working on Ava's nursery and getting things in order for her arrival which would have been the first week of May.
The pregnancy was pretty much perfect other than the severe sickness that I struggled with during the first two trimesters. We had a very detailed ultrasound on January 4th right after our big move here to Phoenix which showed a beautiful, healthy, baby girl. Ava was extremely active; always moving. It always brought me a sense of comfort knowing that she was so active and always moving around. It gave me reassurance that everything was ok with her. She always had a super strong heartbeat which the doctors always commented on at every visit. She was strong, just like her big sister Mady.
March 4th was just like any other day in our household; I had been busy running errands and cleaning house. Around 5 pm I realized that I needed to check the mailbox which is down the street from our house (its a community one) since John was supposed to be night flying that night. I wanted to have everything done so I could put Mady to bed early and enjoy some "mommy" time and watch a good movie (which I never get to do these days). Mady wanted to ride her bike to the mailbox so I got her ready to go with her helmet and told her to hold still so I could put the garage door down. As I was putting the door down, I saw that she was rolling down the driveway. She has a problem with her stopping so she just keeps going until she falls. Just as she was rolling down the driveway, a car was speeding down our street and was not slowing down even though they saw a toddler rolling down the driveway. I rushed to try to get to her and totally lost my balance and fell flat on my belly and skidded down the driveway. I had a huge abrasion on my head and elbow from sliding. My belly took the brunt of the fall though unfortunately. Thank God that the curb stopped mady from going into the street. She still took a good spill and hurt her tooth, but other than that she was fine. I, on the other hand, was not. I could not feel Ava moving at all anymore and my stomach hurt pretty bad. By divine intervention, I was able to get John on the phone as he was about to step to fly. Thank goodness. I had already called 911 so he got to the house shortly after the paramedics did. Needless to say, I was terrified as I hadn't felt any movement from Ava at all. Everyone kept reassuring me that she was probably in shock from the fall but I would need further monitoring at the hospital. Luckily my OB was on call that night so I immediately felt at ease when he showed up. They had me hooked up to a fetal heart monitor and were constantly checking Ava's heartbeat which was strong as usual. It did not make sense that she was not moving. I did not have any typical symptoms of placental abruption which are bleeding and severe pain. I was uncomfortable from the fall but was never in any significant pain. They kept performing ultrasounds to see what was going on and they could not get Ava to move at all even though you could see her little heart flickering away on the screen. Everyone was so confused, because it made no sense. The ultrasound tech kept trying to get a peek at my placenta to check for abruption, but could not see it at all. So we spent about 4 hours just sitting there monitoring the heartbeat along with other things. Everything seemed ok; except for the fact that she was not moving. After the second ultrasound was completed and the results were the same (no movement), they decided that I was probably going to have to deliver early (as in a few days/weeks) so they started to give me magnesium and steroids to make sure that her lungs were developed for delivery. Just as they started to give me the drugs; i started going into shock (couldn't breath), blood pressure went really high, etc. I knew in my heart that something was WRONG. As soon as my dr walked in, the seriousness of his face let me know that things had progressed to a seriously bad level. They had just received my blood test back from the lab and it showed that my blood and Ava's blood were mixing (a big sign of abruption) and her heart rate was dropping drastically. He grabbed the ultrasound machine again and this time he was able to see the abruption which was pretty severe. I guess the blood was collecting in my uterus. He immediately said we have to go NOW. It was like being on an episode of ER, they literally flew me to the OR with no time to prepare. I think there were a total of 3 doctors and 15 other staff in the operating room which led me to believe how serious this was. They had to hurridly put me to sleep because they needed to get Ava out fast. All I remember thinking before I was knocked out was please make sure my baby is ok.
I remember waking up and having a hard time talking ( they had to put a tube down my throat) so my throat hurt and I was really hoarse. The first thing I asked was how's Ava and I want to see her. No one would answer me and told me to talk to the Dr. At that moment, I was really scared. When they put me in recovery, John and my Dr. were standing there and the look on their faces said everything. John told me that Ava didn't make it and my only response was "No", there is no way. This is not happening. I kept trying to close my eyes and wake up again so i could escape this horrible nightmare. The horrible pain from the surgery was NOTHING compared to the pain that I felt from losing my baby and I still feel that pain today. After a few minutes of being in complete shock and trying to cry (it hurt to bad to cry from the surgery), they asked us if we wanted to see her. My first response was no; i thought it would be too hard. After a while, the nurses and John kind of insisted (which I'm grateful for now) that I hold her. I will never forget my doctor bringing her to me with tears in his eyes saying how "beautiful" she was. As soon as I laid eyes on her, I fell in love and could not stop staring at our beautiful little baby. She was the most perfect baby that I had ever laid eyes on. They let John and I hold our baby girl the whole 2.5 hours in recovery while my doctor stayed with us the entire time. The support that we received from the nurses/doctor were unbelievable. The OB triage nurses basically babysat Mady that entire night since we have no family out here. The next few days in the hospital were such a blur but we were able to keep Ava in the room with us the entire time so I held her as much as I possible could. We spent our few days in the hospital holding, kissing, and saying goodbye to our little angel. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do; how do you say goodbye to your newborn baby girl who you never got to meet? I never got to see her beautiful eyes looking at me or see her smile. Even though it has been two weeks since everything has happened, the hurt is still as hard as it was that day. I find myself thinking about it all of the time and then i just break down and ask why this happened to us.
we decided to go with cremation since we did not want to bury Ava here in Arizona since we will be moving in a couple of years. we want her with us alll of the time. That was a horrible decision that we had to make, i am still struggling with that decision. Today was supposed to be the day that the cremation is happening so needless to say today has been hell for me. I just want my baby girl at home with us while we hold her and love on her. Everywhere I go, I see babies and it makes me hurt so bad. All I can think is "why is that baby here and my Ava is not". I can't help it, it just hurts. Everything makes me think of her and I can only pray that the days get a little more bearable. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life and i'm not a big crier anyway. I hope that by keeping this blog, it will be therapeutic for me to write about things and vent from time to time. Please know that if you read this blog, it may not always be happy posts because we are grieving our daughter so if it bothers you please don't read. Hopefully one day, we can be an encouragement to someone else who is going through something similar. But for now, our family needs an enormous amount of prayer and uplifting. i am doing my best to stay strong for Mady and John, but it is hard. I am hanging onto my faith because that is all that I can do right now. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that little Ava is in heaven with Jesus and she is happy and at peace. Hopefully our family will once again find our peace and happiness.
The pregnancy was pretty much perfect other than the severe sickness that I struggled with during the first two trimesters. We had a very detailed ultrasound on January 4th right after our big move here to Phoenix which showed a beautiful, healthy, baby girl. Ava was extremely active; always moving. It always brought me a sense of comfort knowing that she was so active and always moving around. It gave me reassurance that everything was ok with her. She always had a super strong heartbeat which the doctors always commented on at every visit. She was strong, just like her big sister Mady.
March 4th was just like any other day in our household; I had been busy running errands and cleaning house. Around 5 pm I realized that I needed to check the mailbox which is down the street from our house (its a community one) since John was supposed to be night flying that night. I wanted to have everything done so I could put Mady to bed early and enjoy some "mommy" time and watch a good movie (which I never get to do these days). Mady wanted to ride her bike to the mailbox so I got her ready to go with her helmet and told her to hold still so I could put the garage door down. As I was putting the door down, I saw that she was rolling down the driveway. She has a problem with her stopping so she just keeps going until she falls. Just as she was rolling down the driveway, a car was speeding down our street and was not slowing down even though they saw a toddler rolling down the driveway. I rushed to try to get to her and totally lost my balance and fell flat on my belly and skidded down the driveway. I had a huge abrasion on my head and elbow from sliding. My belly took the brunt of the fall though unfortunately. Thank God that the curb stopped mady from going into the street. She still took a good spill and hurt her tooth, but other than that she was fine. I, on the other hand, was not. I could not feel Ava moving at all anymore and my stomach hurt pretty bad. By divine intervention, I was able to get John on the phone as he was about to step to fly. Thank goodness. I had already called 911 so he got to the house shortly after the paramedics did. Needless to say, I was terrified as I hadn't felt any movement from Ava at all. Everyone kept reassuring me that she was probably in shock from the fall but I would need further monitoring at the hospital. Luckily my OB was on call that night so I immediately felt at ease when he showed up. They had me hooked up to a fetal heart monitor and were constantly checking Ava's heartbeat which was strong as usual. It did not make sense that she was not moving. I did not have any typical symptoms of placental abruption which are bleeding and severe pain. I was uncomfortable from the fall but was never in any significant pain. They kept performing ultrasounds to see what was going on and they could not get Ava to move at all even though you could see her little heart flickering away on the screen. Everyone was so confused, because it made no sense. The ultrasound tech kept trying to get a peek at my placenta to check for abruption, but could not see it at all. So we spent about 4 hours just sitting there monitoring the heartbeat along with other things. Everything seemed ok; except for the fact that she was not moving. After the second ultrasound was completed and the results were the same (no movement), they decided that I was probably going to have to deliver early (as in a few days/weeks) so they started to give me magnesium and steroids to make sure that her lungs were developed for delivery. Just as they started to give me the drugs; i started going into shock (couldn't breath), blood pressure went really high, etc. I knew in my heart that something was WRONG. As soon as my dr walked in, the seriousness of his face let me know that things had progressed to a seriously bad level. They had just received my blood test back from the lab and it showed that my blood and Ava's blood were mixing (a big sign of abruption) and her heart rate was dropping drastically. He grabbed the ultrasound machine again and this time he was able to see the abruption which was pretty severe. I guess the blood was collecting in my uterus. He immediately said we have to go NOW. It was like being on an episode of ER, they literally flew me to the OR with no time to prepare. I think there were a total of 3 doctors and 15 other staff in the operating room which led me to believe how serious this was. They had to hurridly put me to sleep because they needed to get Ava out fast. All I remember thinking before I was knocked out was please make sure my baby is ok.
I remember waking up and having a hard time talking ( they had to put a tube down my throat) so my throat hurt and I was really hoarse. The first thing I asked was how's Ava and I want to see her. No one would answer me and told me to talk to the Dr. At that moment, I was really scared. When they put me in recovery, John and my Dr. were standing there and the look on their faces said everything. John told me that Ava didn't make it and my only response was "No", there is no way. This is not happening. I kept trying to close my eyes and wake up again so i could escape this horrible nightmare. The horrible pain from the surgery was NOTHING compared to the pain that I felt from losing my baby and I still feel that pain today. After a few minutes of being in complete shock and trying to cry (it hurt to bad to cry from the surgery), they asked us if we wanted to see her. My first response was no; i thought it would be too hard. After a while, the nurses and John kind of insisted (which I'm grateful for now) that I hold her. I will never forget my doctor bringing her to me with tears in his eyes saying how "beautiful" she was. As soon as I laid eyes on her, I fell in love and could not stop staring at our beautiful little baby. She was the most perfect baby that I had ever laid eyes on. They let John and I hold our baby girl the whole 2.5 hours in recovery while my doctor stayed with us the entire time. The support that we received from the nurses/doctor were unbelievable. The OB triage nurses basically babysat Mady that entire night since we have no family out here. The next few days in the hospital were such a blur but we were able to keep Ava in the room with us the entire time so I held her as much as I possible could. We spent our few days in the hospital holding, kissing, and saying goodbye to our little angel. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do; how do you say goodbye to your newborn baby girl who you never got to meet? I never got to see her beautiful eyes looking at me or see her smile. Even though it has been two weeks since everything has happened, the hurt is still as hard as it was that day. I find myself thinking about it all of the time and then i just break down and ask why this happened to us.
we decided to go with cremation since we did not want to bury Ava here in Arizona since we will be moving in a couple of years. we want her with us alll of the time. That was a horrible decision that we had to make, i am still struggling with that decision. Today was supposed to be the day that the cremation is happening so needless to say today has been hell for me. I just want my baby girl at home with us while we hold her and love on her. Everywhere I go, I see babies and it makes me hurt so bad. All I can think is "why is that baby here and my Ava is not". I can't help it, it just hurts. Everything makes me think of her and I can only pray that the days get a little more bearable. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life and i'm not a big crier anyway. I hope that by keeping this blog, it will be therapeutic for me to write about things and vent from time to time. Please know that if you read this blog, it may not always be happy posts because we are grieving our daughter so if it bothers you please don't read. Hopefully one day, we can be an encouragement to someone else who is going through something similar. But for now, our family needs an enormous amount of prayer and uplifting. i am doing my best to stay strong for Mady and John, but it is hard. I am hanging onto my faith because that is all that I can do right now. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that little Ava is in heaven with Jesus and she is happy and at peace. Hopefully our family will once again find our peace and happiness.
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