One vacation down, one to go!!

Well.....this past week being in Chicago with family went by entirely too fast.  It literally feels like we just arrived in Chicago but now we are on our way back home.  Actually about an hour-ish outside of Phoenix right now and I am very glad to be getting back to our home where the sun shines everyday:-). Here's a lowdown on our first trip.  We went to a farmers market our first morning in Chicago and the weather was simply amazing! Later in the afternoon, we went to a celebration party for Dave (johns brother for completing his residency and now they are on their way to Connecticut for his fellowship.  Mady got lots of cousin time with her cousin Clara.  We went in to downtown Chicago one day to see Adam and Erika, so Mady got more Aunt and uncle fun time in!!:-). Mady also caught her very first fish with uncle mark and aunt TT(timarie).  She was sooooo excited about that new adventure!  John and I got a date night somewhere in there so we went to a super nice restaurant called Wildfire....amazing!! We went to see the movie Maleficant with Angelina Jolie and it was actually very good!  We don't get many date nights anymore so this was much needed:-). Our last night in Chicago (last night) we went to our traditional family favorite pizza restaurant called Aurelio's pizza, always have fun there!! Between mark and timarie's dogs, cousin Clara, and all the attention from grandpa/grandma, and aunts/uncles it was no surprise that Mady was not so happy about coming back home today. She did very well on the flight though so I was very proud of her.  As fun and nice as vacation always is; there is just nothing like coming home to your own comfy bed!!:-) we will have three nights at home until we head out to San Diego for two days and then on to LA to surprise Mady with Disneyland!!!  We are having a super busy summer, but it has been great so far!! Here is a picture of Mady on the flight home playing her games!!

Fear and faith

Fear is something we all deal at some point in our lives; some more so than others.  I am currently writing this blog entry on a flight from Phoenix to Chicago.  I thought..."what better time to update than when I'm 30,000 feet in the air.  I can't really go anywhere and I'm way overdue in updating!!;-). I have always dealt with mild anxiety my whole life, but have usually done a pretty good job of hiding it from others for the most part.  One of my fears is flying (go figure), my husband is a pilot for goodness sakes.  I used to absolutely love flying when I was younger but over the past couple of years since becoming a mom and losing Ava.....I am a very nervous flyer.  I hide it well for my Mady because she is extremely terrified( worse than I ever was).  I keep a brave face for her and pray that she will eventually grow out of this.  When we were taking off out of Phoenix, it was pretty bumpy as usual due to the thermals and mountains.  I had tried to explain to her beforehand that it is normal and God has control over this plane.  I was sitting by the window because she wouldn't dare come close so she took the aisle seat with john being in the middle.  I felt helpless as tears of fear were flooding her face and I just wanted to hold her and comfort her but I couldn't.  I started wondering if this is how God feels about his children when we are frightened, he wants us to have faith and when we don't, that has to hurt him.  Just how today when I told Mady to trust me and hold my hand and she wouldn't.  God is always wanting for us to reach our hands up to his and hold on while he carries us and comforts our fears.  I have been dealing with other fears in my life and I know that God just wants me to give those worries to him and not worry.  I am scared of another pregnancy (as much as I want another baby) , I am scared of "what if".  I have to stop because I know that god has our best interest at heart as far as our family is concerned.  Please keep our family in your prayers as I know you always do as we continue trying to grow our family.  Pray that my fear would go away and I will be able to just give it all over to him!! We are on our way to Chicago right now (hence the flight) to be with family for a week. We are making a little vacation out of it :-). Then after we return from chi town next week, we will be going to San Diego/Anaheim to surprise Mady with sea world and *gasp* Disney!!! Woo hoo!! I don't know who's more excited mommy or Mady:-). I am always such a big kid when we go there!! Lol! We are having a great summer and staying busy as I hope you are all doing the same!!:-) we still miss our Ava bug more than we could have ever imagined but we are making it through with Gods unfailing grace.  I promise promise promise that I will do better about blogging.  I wish you all the best and thank you all for your amazing support and prayers. We would not be where we are today without prayer and God's love and grace!! We are about to land in Chicago.....woo hoo!! Let the vacation begin!! Much love and peace to you all:-)

Hello friends

I know it has been way too long since I've posted!  I am working on a big post right now and will post later today but wanted to leave you with these encouraging words for now.  It goes hand in hand with what I will be posting about.  Until then.....be blessed!

Sweet child of mine

Just wanted to share a pic of our little angel beauty;-) sure do miss her!!

Be Still

So, it is 11 pm and the rest of my family is soundly sleeping; why am I not? There is just something so peaceful about a quiet house and having it all to yourself for a few hours to sit with your thoughts.  Maybe I am crazy considering I have to be up very early in the morning, but this time is very important and worth the tiredness that I will feel tomorrow:)  A lot of times I use this special time to reply to emails, write, read, blog, and just spend time praying and spending time with God.  During the day, I don't get alot of time to myself (which is to be expected being a mommy), so sometimes I just need some "me" time:)

Lately, I have been going through a lot of stress, confusion, dread, fear, and also hopefulness.  I know those don't really go hand in hand, but it will make sense in a bit.  We are coming up on Ava's 1 year birthday; it has been extremely harder on me than I thought.  I almost wish the day would just hurry up and get here so that I can get through it and be done with it.  I miss her with my whole being and each day wish that she was here with us so much more.  I know that she won't ever be here and I have accepted that; but it is not an easy pill to swallow sometimes.  Mady wants to get a special balloon for her and release it into heaven for Ava (such a sweet sister); I agreed that we could certainly do that.  She also wants to make a cake for Ava; I almost started crying when she said this.  I just told her that we can do whatever she wants to do for Ava's special day.

we are also in the midst of planning for another baby and even though I am hopeful and excited about possibly having another baby....I am honestly scared out of my mind as well!! I have never been one to just sit still and let God have his way; I am a go-getter and want things done when i want them. lol! Well, let me just tell you, God does NOT work that way and he has been teaching me that.  I almost think he laughs at me daily:)  I have such a fear of losing a baby again and I think "my God how can I possibly go through that horrible agony again?"  But then God reminds me that we cannot live in fear or we are not really living.  We always have to take chances and trust him to take control of the situation.  HE is in control, not me and I have to be okay with that.  After all, if he blesses us with another precious baby, it is his baby and we are only earthly parents to it.

I get mixed responses from people when I say that we are ready to start trying for another baby.  Some (well most) especially my close friends are absolutely thrilled...almost to tears when I tell them:)  Some others give me this look like "do you really want to risk losing another baby again?" Or "Wow, are you really ready to go through that again....is it worth it?" My answer, it IS absolutely worth it.  I look at my daughter Mady and also my beautiful Ava and think to myself what is better in this life than children who bring us so much joy.  It is such a sheer, beautiful miracle that is such a wonderful feeling to be a part of. I think of how much joy Mady has brought us over the years and I can't imagine a life without her.  The sickness, uncomfortableness, gaining weight, having major surgery....YES it is all worth it.  How quickly you forget those symptoms, they are only temporary.

I just ask that you please keep our family in your prayers; we just want to do exactly what God wants of us.  So if that means another gorgeous baby, then Hallelujah! But, if not...then I pray for contentment for our family to get through that as well.  I truly believe that after everything that we have all been through over this last year; we can get through anything.  Times are really hard sometimes, and I'll admit somedays I will have a really bad day missing Ava and will cry for hours.  But definitely more good days then bad days; mainly becuase I know that I will see her and hold her again when we all meet in Heaven one day; oh how I cannot wait until that beautiful day.  Mady already talks about how when she sees her sister she is not going to get go of hugging her:)  We have been blessed as a family even though we have had a lot of tragedy.

God has really been working with me lately on just being "still" and trusting him.  That is such a hard task for me to follow, but I am really trying to practice it.  Sometimes we just have to slow down, take a breath, and really listen to what God is telling us.  He really does always know whats best, even though we don't always agree at the time; one day we will understand perfectly:)

wishing you all a beautiful week with lots of love and happiness xoxo