Planning

I am a planner......always have been, and probably always will be.  I think that most of us are planners; although some more so than others.  Since I was a little girl, I always had a "plan" of how I thought my life should and would go.  I remember when I was in the fourth grade sitting with my best friend Penny and talking about what our lives would be like years down the road.  Boy, were we two naïve little girls.  I would marry the man of my dreams probably right after college and find the perfect job.  Soon thereafter I would have two kids (a boy and a girl).  I thought I would live in the same town for most of my life in the same house and life would be just splendid.  Well, my life definitely took some unexpected turns which is to be expected.  Now, I am not saying that my life didn't turn out well; it absolutely has and I wouldn't change a thing.  Looking back; I can see how God has molded my life in the way that it was supposed to be.  I always thought that I would marry young; right after college that is.  That wasn't God's plan for me and at the time I just could not understand why things were not falling into place for me.  Little did I know that I had so many good things coming my way....but they were in HIS time.  I look back on my twenties and realize that those years were some of the best times of my life.  I was blessed to meet some wonderful friends that I am still close with today, I traveled to places that I never thought possible, and learned so much about myself as a person.  Some of you know this, but I worked at an Air Force Base right after college and into Graduate School.  It was a wonderful job and I really enjoyed it.  This is where I met my husband; I remember the first day that I met him; he remembers it a little better than I do.  Long story short; we both really liked each other but he was right in the middle of pilot training and super busy, and I was about to move away to Dallas, TX for graduate school.  I was also very unsure of settling down with someone in the military; it wasn't in my "plan".   We knew each other for about 2 years before we actually ever dated.  Looking back now, I think that was a good thing because it allowed us both to grow up and figure out who we were before considering marriage.  We were married in 2007; I was 27 years old.  At the time, that was actually considered getting married later in life. LOL!  In all actuality, I think it was the perfect time to get married.  So, my getting married did not really match up with what I had planned for my life....but everything turned out wonderful. 

After we were married; I figured that we would try to have our first child when I was around 30. That way, we could be married for a few years before parenthood struck. LOL.  Well, a little over a year after we were married...we found out that we were expecting our first child. We were both shocked to say the least; but once it sunk in, we were excited.  I had a feeling the whole time that it was a boy; don't ask me why but I did.  When we found out we were having a little girl; I was once again completely shocked.  The pregnancy with Mady was really pretty easy and everything was completely normal thank God.  I remember taking a child birth class and talking about different birth plans.  I had everything planned out in my head; I wanted a natural child birth with little to no medical intervention.  I remember the teacher telling us to prepare ourselves that the birth could very well end up in a C-section if things didn't progress naturally.  I remember tuning all of that out, because I just knew that I would have a normal birth and everything would be just perfect. HA! Boy, was I in for a huge surprise.  I remember thinking at about 6-7 centimeters dilated that if I didn't receive an epidural soon I was going to hurt someone...thanks to the lovely drug pitocin! When my doctor came into the room to administer the epidural....I remember thinking that he was God or something.  I have never been so happy to see a needle before in my life and I did NOT care about how long or huge it looked or the fact that it was going into my spine.  That was the day I realized that God made drugs for a reason! Haha!  My birth story with Mady ended up being completely different that what I had planned for...I ended up with an emergency C-section.  Everything ended up fine and she was born super healthy; but it was not at all how I imagined it to be.  At the time, I felt like a failure because I had to have a C-section; but looking back now, I realize how lucky I was to have such a beautiful healthy little girl.  Yet again, God showed me that he had a different plan that I did and he always wins. 

Fast forward to 3 1/2 years later when we found out that we were blessed with another little girl; although this time I just knew it was another girl.  I had everything planned out in my head again of how all of this would go.  I would have a scheduled C-section on a scheduled date and that would be the end of that.  Ava's pregnancy was definitely a lot harder on me, but once again we were blessed with another beautiful healthy little girl.  I dreamed about the day that we would go in for surgery and leave the hospital with our new little girl; and as time was fast approaching, I was really starting to get excited. God had a different plan for us and it was definitely not the plan that I had.  Losing Ava was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do or go through.  I can't imagine anything being worse than losing your child; so what do I have left to fear?  My point to all of this is that we can plan all we want. We can try to space our children perfectly apart in age and have the exact number of children that we planned on.  Some of us may just be lucky enough to have all of that happen just as expected. For most of us though; those plans will be a little different.  That plan of only having one child could turn into having 4 children; or that plan of having 4 children could turn into having 1.  The point is, we don't make these decisions and there is a good reason for that.  God can see what is in store for us and we cannot. This is where our faith comes in and believe me that is not an easy pill to swallow sometimes.  We want things when we want them and not a minute later; but sometimes we just have to be patient and wait for his timing.  We have decided to try for a 3rd baby to complete our family.  I never thought I would be saying these words (especially after googling "pregnant at 35"), but I just feel that this is God's plan for us.  Even if we have to adopt, I truly feel that God wants us to have another child.  No, my children will not be perfectly spaced out as far as age is concerned... according to some people.  For us though, it will be perfect and I just know it.  I truly believe that God has beautiful blessings in store for our family.  I always think of a song that I hear on the radio all the time: "Blessings"

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Mady and I were driving in the car the other day and saw a rainbow after the rain.  It really made me think that after the storm that our family has endured over the past few years; God has a beautiful rainbow right around the corner.  I ask you to please keep our family in your prayers during this time.  I have to believe that God has something great and wonderful planned for our family; something that I was incapable of planning for......

So for once in my life, I am going to sit back and let God do his work instead of trying to "plan". 

I'm baaaaaacccckkkkk😍😍

Boy, I sure have missed blogging....it has been way too long! I'm working on a new (long) post that I will post either this evening or tomorrow after I've edited it😉 so this was just a little teaser!! Lol! But in all seriousness, I'm really back and plan to keep up better with my blogging. I have a LOT to say!!!❤️❤️

One vacation down, one to go!!

Well.....this past week being in Chicago with family went by entirely too fast.  It literally feels like we just arrived in Chicago but now we are on our way back home.  Actually about an hour-ish outside of Phoenix right now and I am very glad to be getting back to our home where the sun shines everyday:-). Here's a lowdown on our first trip.  We went to a farmers market our first morning in Chicago and the weather was simply amazing! Later in the afternoon, we went to a celebration party for Dave (johns brother for completing his residency and now they are on their way to Connecticut for his fellowship.  Mady got lots of cousin time with her cousin Clara.  We went in to downtown Chicago one day to see Adam and Erika, so Mady got more Aunt and uncle fun time in!!:-). Mady also caught her very first fish with uncle mark and aunt TT(timarie).  She was sooooo excited about that new adventure!  John and I got a date night somewhere in there so we went to a super nice restaurant called Wildfire....amazing!! We went to see the movie Maleficant with Angelina Jolie and it was actually very good!  We don't get many date nights anymore so this was much needed:-). Our last night in Chicago (last night) we went to our traditional family favorite pizza restaurant called Aurelio's pizza, always have fun there!! Between mark and timarie's dogs, cousin Clara, and all the attention from grandpa/grandma, and aunts/uncles it was no surprise that Mady was not so happy about coming back home today. She did very well on the flight though so I was very proud of her.  As fun and nice as vacation always is; there is just nothing like coming home to your own comfy bed!!:-) we will have three nights at home until we head out to San Diego for two days and then on to LA to surprise Mady with Disneyland!!!  We are having a super busy summer, but it has been great so far!! Here is a picture of Mady on the flight home playing her games!!

Fear and faith

Fear is something we all deal at some point in our lives; some more so than others.  I am currently writing this blog entry on a flight from Phoenix to Chicago.  I thought..."what better time to update than when I'm 30,000 feet in the air.  I can't really go anywhere and I'm way overdue in updating!!;-). I have always dealt with mild anxiety my whole life, but have usually done a pretty good job of hiding it from others for the most part.  One of my fears is flying (go figure), my husband is a pilot for goodness sakes.  I used to absolutely love flying when I was younger but over the past couple of years since becoming a mom and losing Ava.....I am a very nervous flyer.  I hide it well for my Mady because she is extremely terrified( worse than I ever was).  I keep a brave face for her and pray that she will eventually grow out of this.  When we were taking off out of Phoenix, it was pretty bumpy as usual due to the thermals and mountains.  I had tried to explain to her beforehand that it is normal and God has control over this plane.  I was sitting by the window because she wouldn't dare come close so she took the aisle seat with john being in the middle.  I felt helpless as tears of fear were flooding her face and I just wanted to hold her and comfort her but I couldn't.  I started wondering if this is how God feels about his children when we are frightened, he wants us to have faith and when we don't, that has to hurt him.  Just how today when I told Mady to trust me and hold my hand and she wouldn't.  God is always wanting for us to reach our hands up to his and hold on while he carries us and comforts our fears.  I have been dealing with other fears in my life and I know that God just wants me to give those worries to him and not worry.  I am scared of another pregnancy (as much as I want another baby) , I am scared of "what if".  I have to stop because I know that god has our best interest at heart as far as our family is concerned.  Please keep our family in your prayers as I know you always do as we continue trying to grow our family.  Pray that my fear would go away and I will be able to just give it all over to him!! We are on our way to Chicago right now (hence the flight) to be with family for a week. We are making a little vacation out of it :-). Then after we return from chi town next week, we will be going to San Diego/Anaheim to surprise Mady with sea world and *gasp* Disney!!! Woo hoo!! I don't know who's more excited mommy or Mady:-). I am always such a big kid when we go there!! Lol! We are having a great summer and staying busy as I hope you are all doing the same!!:-) we still miss our Ava bug more than we could have ever imagined but we are making it through with Gods unfailing grace.  I promise promise promise that I will do better about blogging.  I wish you all the best and thank you all for your amazing support and prayers. We would not be where we are today without prayer and God's love and grace!! We are about to land in Chicago.....woo hoo!! Let the vacation begin!! Much love and peace to you all:-)

Hello friends

I know it has been way too long since I've posted!  I am working on a big post right now and will post later today but wanted to leave you with these encouraging words for now.  It goes hand in hand with what I will be posting about.  Until then.....be blessed!

Sweet child of mine

Just wanted to share a pic of our little angel beauty;-) sure do miss her!!

Be Still

So, it is 11 pm and the rest of my family is soundly sleeping; why am I not? There is just something so peaceful about a quiet house and having it all to yourself for a few hours to sit with your thoughts.  Maybe I am crazy considering I have to be up very early in the morning, but this time is very important and worth the tiredness that I will feel tomorrow:)  A lot of times I use this special time to reply to emails, write, read, blog, and just spend time praying and spending time with God.  During the day, I don't get alot of time to myself (which is to be expected being a mommy), so sometimes I just need some "me" time:)

Lately, I have been going through a lot of stress, confusion, dread, fear, and also hopefulness.  I know those don't really go hand in hand, but it will make sense in a bit.  We are coming up on Ava's 1 year birthday; it has been extremely harder on me than I thought.  I almost wish the day would just hurry up and get here so that I can get through it and be done with it.  I miss her with my whole being and each day wish that she was here with us so much more.  I know that she won't ever be here and I have accepted that; but it is not an easy pill to swallow sometimes.  Mady wants to get a special balloon for her and release it into heaven for Ava (such a sweet sister); I agreed that we could certainly do that.  She also wants to make a cake for Ava; I almost started crying when she said this.  I just told her that we can do whatever she wants to do for Ava's special day.

we are also in the midst of planning for another baby and even though I am hopeful and excited about possibly having another baby....I am honestly scared out of my mind as well!! I have never been one to just sit still and let God have his way; I am a go-getter and want things done when i want them. lol! Well, let me just tell you, God does NOT work that way and he has been teaching me that.  I almost think he laughs at me daily:)  I have such a fear of losing a baby again and I think "my God how can I possibly go through that horrible agony again?"  But then God reminds me that we cannot live in fear or we are not really living.  We always have to take chances and trust him to take control of the situation.  HE is in control, not me and I have to be okay with that.  After all, if he blesses us with another precious baby, it is his baby and we are only earthly parents to it.

I get mixed responses from people when I say that we are ready to start trying for another baby.  Some (well most) especially my close friends are absolutely thrilled...almost to tears when I tell them:)  Some others give me this look like "do you really want to risk losing another baby again?" Or "Wow, are you really ready to go through that again....is it worth it?" My answer, it IS absolutely worth it.  I look at my daughter Mady and also my beautiful Ava and think to myself what is better in this life than children who bring us so much joy.  It is such a sheer, beautiful miracle that is such a wonderful feeling to be a part of. I think of how much joy Mady has brought us over the years and I can't imagine a life without her.  The sickness, uncomfortableness, gaining weight, having major surgery....YES it is all worth it.  How quickly you forget those symptoms, they are only temporary.

I just ask that you please keep our family in your prayers; we just want to do exactly what God wants of us.  So if that means another gorgeous baby, then Hallelujah! But, if not...then I pray for contentment for our family to get through that as well.  I truly believe that after everything that we have all been through over this last year; we can get through anything.  Times are really hard sometimes, and I'll admit somedays I will have a really bad day missing Ava and will cry for hours.  But definitely more good days then bad days; mainly becuase I know that I will see her and hold her again when we all meet in Heaven one day; oh how I cannot wait until that beautiful day.  Mady already talks about how when she sees her sister she is not going to get go of hugging her:)  We have been blessed as a family even though we have had a lot of tragedy.

God has really been working with me lately on just being "still" and trusting him.  That is such a hard task for me to follow, but I am really trying to practice it.  Sometimes we just have to slow down, take a breath, and really listen to what God is telling us.  He really does always know whats best, even though we don't always agree at the time; one day we will understand perfectly:)

wishing you all a beautiful week with lots of love and happiness xoxo