Planning

I am a planner......always have been, and probably always will be.  I think that most of us are planners; although some more so than others.  Since I was a little girl, I always had a "plan" of how I thought my life should and would go.  I remember when I was in the fourth grade sitting with my best friend Penny and talking about what our lives would be like years down the road.  Boy, were we two naïve little girls.  I would marry the man of my dreams probably right after college and find the perfect job.  Soon thereafter I would have two kids (a boy and a girl).  I thought I would live in the same town for most of my life in the same house and life would be just splendid.  Well, my life definitely took some unexpected turns which is to be expected.  Now, I am not saying that my life didn't turn out well; it absolutely has and I wouldn't change a thing.  Looking back; I can see how God has molded my life in the way that it was supposed to be.  I always thought that I would marry young; right after college that is.  That wasn't God's plan for me and at the time I just could not understand why things were not falling into place for me.  Little did I know that I had so many good things coming my way....but they were in HIS time.  I look back on my twenties and realize that those years were some of the best times of my life.  I was blessed to meet some wonderful friends that I am still close with today, I traveled to places that I never thought possible, and learned so much about myself as a person.  Some of you know this, but I worked at an Air Force Base right after college and into Graduate School.  It was a wonderful job and I really enjoyed it.  This is where I met my husband; I remember the first day that I met him; he remembers it a little better than I do.  Long story short; we both really liked each other but he was right in the middle of pilot training and super busy, and I was about to move away to Dallas, TX for graduate school.  I was also very unsure of settling down with someone in the military; it wasn't in my "plan".   We knew each other for about 2 years before we actually ever dated.  Looking back now, I think that was a good thing because it allowed us both to grow up and figure out who we were before considering marriage.  We were married in 2007; I was 27 years old.  At the time, that was actually considered getting married later in life. LOL!  In all actuality, I think it was the perfect time to get married.  So, my getting married did not really match up with what I had planned for my life....but everything turned out wonderful. 

After we were married; I figured that we would try to have our first child when I was around 30. That way, we could be married for a few years before parenthood struck. LOL.  Well, a little over a year after we were married...we found out that we were expecting our first child. We were both shocked to say the least; but once it sunk in, we were excited.  I had a feeling the whole time that it was a boy; don't ask me why but I did.  When we found out we were having a little girl; I was once again completely shocked.  The pregnancy with Mady was really pretty easy and everything was completely normal thank God.  I remember taking a child birth class and talking about different birth plans.  I had everything planned out in my head; I wanted a natural child birth with little to no medical intervention.  I remember the teacher telling us to prepare ourselves that the birth could very well end up in a C-section if things didn't progress naturally.  I remember tuning all of that out, because I just knew that I would have a normal birth and everything would be just perfect. HA! Boy, was I in for a huge surprise.  I remember thinking at about 6-7 centimeters dilated that if I didn't receive an epidural soon I was going to hurt someone...thanks to the lovely drug pitocin! When my doctor came into the room to administer the epidural....I remember thinking that he was God or something.  I have never been so happy to see a needle before in my life and I did NOT care about how long or huge it looked or the fact that it was going into my spine.  That was the day I realized that God made drugs for a reason! Haha!  My birth story with Mady ended up being completely different that what I had planned for...I ended up with an emergency C-section.  Everything ended up fine and she was born super healthy; but it was not at all how I imagined it to be.  At the time, I felt like a failure because I had to have a C-section; but looking back now, I realize how lucky I was to have such a beautiful healthy little girl.  Yet again, God showed me that he had a different plan that I did and he always wins. 

Fast forward to 3 1/2 years later when we found out that we were blessed with another little girl; although this time I just knew it was another girl.  I had everything planned out in my head again of how all of this would go.  I would have a scheduled C-section on a scheduled date and that would be the end of that.  Ava's pregnancy was definitely a lot harder on me, but once again we were blessed with another beautiful healthy little girl.  I dreamed about the day that we would go in for surgery and leave the hospital with our new little girl; and as time was fast approaching, I was really starting to get excited. God had a different plan for us and it was definitely not the plan that I had.  Losing Ava was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do or go through.  I can't imagine anything being worse than losing your child; so what do I have left to fear?  My point to all of this is that we can plan all we want. We can try to space our children perfectly apart in age and have the exact number of children that we planned on.  Some of us may just be lucky enough to have all of that happen just as expected. For most of us though; those plans will be a little different.  That plan of only having one child could turn into having 4 children; or that plan of having 4 children could turn into having 1.  The point is, we don't make these decisions and there is a good reason for that.  God can see what is in store for us and we cannot. This is where our faith comes in and believe me that is not an easy pill to swallow sometimes.  We want things when we want them and not a minute later; but sometimes we just have to be patient and wait for his timing.  We have decided to try for a 3rd baby to complete our family.  I never thought I would be saying these words (especially after googling "pregnant at 35"), but I just feel that this is God's plan for us.  Even if we have to adopt, I truly feel that God wants us to have another child.  No, my children will not be perfectly spaced out as far as age is concerned... according to some people.  For us though, it will be perfect and I just know it.  I truly believe that God has beautiful blessings in store for our family.  I always think of a song that I hear on the radio all the time: "Blessings"

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Mady and I were driving in the car the other day and saw a rainbow after the rain.  It really made me think that after the storm that our family has endured over the past few years; God has a beautiful rainbow right around the corner.  I ask you to please keep our family in your prayers during this time.  I have to believe that God has something great and wonderful planned for our family; something that I was incapable of planning for......

So for once in my life, I am going to sit back and let God do his work instead of trying to "plan". 

I'm baaaaaacccckkkkk😍😍

Boy, I sure have missed blogging....it has been way too long! I'm working on a new (long) post that I will post either this evening or tomorrow after I've edited it😉 so this was just a little teaser!! Lol! But in all seriousness, I'm really back and plan to keep up better with my blogging. I have a LOT to say!!!❤️❤️