Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Be Still
So, it is 11 pm and the rest of my family is soundly sleeping; why am I not? There is just something so peaceful about a quiet house and having it all to yourself for a few hours to sit with your thoughts. Maybe I am crazy considering I have to be up very early in the morning, but this time is very important and worth the tiredness that I will feel tomorrow:) A lot of times I use this special time to reply to emails, write, read, blog, and just spend time praying and spending time with God. During the day, I don't get alot of time to myself (which is to be expected being a mommy), so sometimes I just need some "me" time:)
Lately, I have been going through a lot of stress, confusion, dread, fear, and also hopefulness. I know those don't really go hand in hand, but it will make sense in a bit. We are coming up on Ava's 1 year birthday; it has been extremely harder on me than I thought. I almost wish the day would just hurry up and get here so that I can get through it and be done with it. I miss her with my whole being and each day wish that she was here with us so much more. I know that she won't ever be here and I have accepted that; but it is not an easy pill to swallow sometimes. Mady wants to get a special balloon for her and release it into heaven for Ava (such a sweet sister); I agreed that we could certainly do that. She also wants to make a cake for Ava; I almost started crying when she said this. I just told her that we can do whatever she wants to do for Ava's special day.
we are also in the midst of planning for another baby and even though I am hopeful and excited about possibly having another baby....I am honestly scared out of my mind as well!! I have never been one to just sit still and let God have his way; I am a go-getter and want things done when i want them. lol! Well, let me just tell you, God does NOT work that way and he has been teaching me that. I almost think he laughs at me daily:) I have such a fear of losing a baby again and I think "my God how can I possibly go through that horrible agony again?" But then God reminds me that we cannot live in fear or we are not really living. We always have to take chances and trust him to take control of the situation. HE is in control, not me and I have to be okay with that. After all, if he blesses us with another precious baby, it is his baby and we are only earthly parents to it.
I get mixed responses from people when I say that we are ready to start trying for another baby. Some (well most) especially my close friends are absolutely thrilled...almost to tears when I tell them:) Some others give me this look like "do you really want to risk losing another baby again?" Or "Wow, are you really ready to go through that again....is it worth it?" My answer, it IS absolutely worth it. I look at my daughter Mady and also my beautiful Ava and think to myself what is better in this life than children who bring us so much joy. It is such a sheer, beautiful miracle that is such a wonderful feeling to be a part of. I think of how much joy Mady has brought us over the years and I can't imagine a life without her. The sickness, uncomfortableness, gaining weight, having major surgery....YES it is all worth it. How quickly you forget those symptoms, they are only temporary.
I just ask that you please keep our family in your prayers; we just want to do exactly what God wants of us. So if that means another gorgeous baby, then Hallelujah! But, if not...then I pray for contentment for our family to get through that as well. I truly believe that after everything that we have all been through over this last year; we can get through anything. Times are really hard sometimes, and I'll admit somedays I will have a really bad day missing Ava and will cry for hours. But definitely more good days then bad days; mainly becuase I know that I will see her and hold her again when we all meet in Heaven one day; oh how I cannot wait until that beautiful day. Mady already talks about how when she sees her sister she is not going to get go of hugging her:) We have been blessed as a family even though we have had a lot of tragedy.
God has really been working with me lately on just being "still" and trusting him. That is such a hard task for me to follow, but I am really trying to practice it. Sometimes we just have to slow down, take a breath, and really listen to what God is telling us. He really does always know whats best, even though we don't always agree at the time; one day we will understand perfectly:)
wishing you all a beautiful week with lots of love and happiness xoxo
Lately, I have been going through a lot of stress, confusion, dread, fear, and also hopefulness. I know those don't really go hand in hand, but it will make sense in a bit. We are coming up on Ava's 1 year birthday; it has been extremely harder on me than I thought. I almost wish the day would just hurry up and get here so that I can get through it and be done with it. I miss her with my whole being and each day wish that she was here with us so much more. I know that she won't ever be here and I have accepted that; but it is not an easy pill to swallow sometimes. Mady wants to get a special balloon for her and release it into heaven for Ava (such a sweet sister); I agreed that we could certainly do that. She also wants to make a cake for Ava; I almost started crying when she said this. I just told her that we can do whatever she wants to do for Ava's special day.
we are also in the midst of planning for another baby and even though I am hopeful and excited about possibly having another baby....I am honestly scared out of my mind as well!! I have never been one to just sit still and let God have his way; I am a go-getter and want things done when i want them. lol! Well, let me just tell you, God does NOT work that way and he has been teaching me that. I almost think he laughs at me daily:) I have such a fear of losing a baby again and I think "my God how can I possibly go through that horrible agony again?" But then God reminds me that we cannot live in fear or we are not really living. We always have to take chances and trust him to take control of the situation. HE is in control, not me and I have to be okay with that. After all, if he blesses us with another precious baby, it is his baby and we are only earthly parents to it.
I get mixed responses from people when I say that we are ready to start trying for another baby. Some (well most) especially my close friends are absolutely thrilled...almost to tears when I tell them:) Some others give me this look like "do you really want to risk losing another baby again?" Or "Wow, are you really ready to go through that again....is it worth it?" My answer, it IS absolutely worth it. I look at my daughter Mady and also my beautiful Ava and think to myself what is better in this life than children who bring us so much joy. It is such a sheer, beautiful miracle that is such a wonderful feeling to be a part of. I think of how much joy Mady has brought us over the years and I can't imagine a life without her. The sickness, uncomfortableness, gaining weight, having major surgery....YES it is all worth it. How quickly you forget those symptoms, they are only temporary.
I just ask that you please keep our family in your prayers; we just want to do exactly what God wants of us. So if that means another gorgeous baby, then Hallelujah! But, if not...then I pray for contentment for our family to get through that as well. I truly believe that after everything that we have all been through over this last year; we can get through anything. Times are really hard sometimes, and I'll admit somedays I will have a really bad day missing Ava and will cry for hours. But definitely more good days then bad days; mainly becuase I know that I will see her and hold her again when we all meet in Heaven one day; oh how I cannot wait until that beautiful day. Mady already talks about how when she sees her sister she is not going to get go of hugging her:) We have been blessed as a family even though we have had a lot of tragedy.
God has really been working with me lately on just being "still" and trusting him. That is such a hard task for me to follow, but I am really trying to practice it. Sometimes we just have to slow down, take a breath, and really listen to what God is telling us. He really does always know whats best, even though we don't always agree at the time; one day we will understand perfectly:)
wishing you all a beautiful week with lots of love and happiness xoxo
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