Heaven is for real

One of the books that I have read lately is Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo.  If you haven't read it, it is basically about a little boy who tells his story of visiting heaven when he was sick and close to death.  It has been such a comfort to me and just reaffirms everything that I have always believed heaven to be.  They also have a children's version with beautiful illustrations which Mady has really enjoyed as well.  This has been a subject that has come up numerous times with her lately; she always asks about where Ava is and why she can't be home here with us.  When I read this book to her and talk about how Ava is in heaven with Jesus and that he is taking such good care of her, I can see that she is somewhat relieved and feels better.  I think that this is such a great book for anyone to read, even if you have never gone through a loss.  I can honestly say that before everything happened with Ava, I never really thought about heaven too much.  I mean, I have always believed that there is a heaven and that it is a wonderful place, but I never thought much beyond that. I find myself thinking about it often now; knowing my little girl is up there is such a blessing to me.  Knowing that we will all be reunited with her and other loved ones one day is something that brings me so much happiness.

We are all doing pretty well these days; there are ups and downs obviously and some days are much harder than others...but overall we are doing good.  Someone told me back when we first lost Ava that you never get over losing a child and the pain never gets easier, but you just learn better coping strategies to get through.  That is so true; the pain is just as real as it was the day we lost her, but I am dealing with it so much better.  Not saying that I'm perfect by any means and I still have days where I struggle, but as soon as I pray and talk to God I feel so much better.  Something that has really helped me deal with this grief is being completely honest when talking with God.  Why not be honest with him? He knows exactly how we are feeling anyway.  When I am angry and questioning God, I tell him; when I don't understand why he took Ava from us, I ask him why!  I figure if anyone can handle it, God can.  I can tell you that I always feel his peace after I do this and I know that he is right there beside me helping me to cope with this.  I used to think that when praying/talking to God you had to always say the right words and  have positive thoughts.  I honestly think that God wants us to talk to him like a good friend; to be completely honest whether its good or bad.  I know this sounds strange, but even on my worst days when i feel like life could not be any harder; I know God is there because when I slow down I can feel a calming presence with me.  Over these past two months, i have often wondered if God was even there anymore because of how bad some days felt.  I have no doubt that he is right here with us carrying us through this storm and making us stronger all the while.  We have an awesome God and he has wonderful ways of taking tragic situations and turning them into something beautiful.  I cannot wait to see what good will come from our tragedy, other than getting to witness a true angel in our daughter Ava.  I miss you more everyday baby girl, but I know that you are in good hands.

D day

Tomorrow was supposed to be our scheduled c section for baby Ava. So many emotions are surrounding me right now. I keep looking at my empty bag that I should have been packing tonight for tomorrow. This would have been such an exciting night in our house; knowing that we would finally meet our baby girl and bring her home. I just keep staring at her pictures tonight and can't help but feel broken. Thank you for your continued prayers for us.